Title: Bah. Humbug
Author: Charles (jcrewguy@gmail.com)
Character: Dante
Rating: R
Summary: For Dante, it's the least wonderful time of year.
Disclaimer: Dante, Randal and other characters appearing in this belong to Kevin Smith. No copyright infringement is intended is inferred.
Notes: One minor spoiler, (I guess), for the Christmas issue of the Clerks comic book.
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"I never have liked Christmas," Dante said to Randal. Randal made a sort of non-committal noise at this.

"Ever since I was a little kid, it always meant disappointment. I never got what I wanted. Did you ever get to the point where you dawdled over unwrapping your presents not because you wanted to make the experience last, but because you hated to see what was coming next? That was me. Year after year. I know my parents meant well, but I fucking HATED getting things like a gross of socks. Or a bike with training wheels long after I'd learned to ride Jimmy Novotny's without any."

Randal turned a page as Dante kept talking.

Dante sighed. "Even now, Christmas is just fucking depressing. I don't bother asking anyone for anything. That way I won't be let down." He glared at Randal. "There was that one year where I paid a visit to Caitlin. Sure, she came out of her coma, but I can't look at the candy cane displays in here without shuddering."

Randal looked up from the porn magazine he was studying intently. "I never knew Mrs. Claus could take on all eight reindeer like that at once. They are definitely not so tiny."

"You're not even listening to a word I say, are you?"

"Christmas equals disappointment and depression for you. Jesus, Dante, you think you're the only one who never got what they wanted for Christmas?"

"Of course not! I just..."

"Just what?"

"I just want to peek in my stocking and not find the metaphorical equivalent of coal on Christmas morning. Is that too much to ask?"

Silent Bob, who had been listening to the conversation as he rummaged in his pockets to pay for some Devil Dogs and Coffin Nails, was about to drop a bomb of wisdom upon them both when Jay came storming into the store.

"Goddamn you tubby bitch, how long's it take you to pay for some fuckin' snack cakes and smokes?" He slammed some money on the counter and scooped up Bob's purchases with the other. "Keep the change cocksmokers," Jay told Randal and Dante as he pulled Silent Bob towards the door.

"I swear, I'm gonna get your fat ass a purse for Christmas, you'd take less time to find shit that way..." Jay continued ranting as he and Bob left the store.

"Huh," Randal said.

"What?"

"Santa, upon discovering Mrs. Claus and the reindeer, is not upset. Instead, he *joins in*."