Title: The Twelve Days of Jay and Silent Bob Author: Nyghtshayde (Nyghtshayde9@yahoo.com) Fandom: Askewniverse Pairing: Jay and Silent Bob Rating: R Summary: While decorating their apartment, Jay sings the traditional song...with lyric changes. Archive: For Charles, archive away. Anyone else, please ask first and then point me in the direction where you want to archive it. Webpage: http://www.livejournal.com/users/the_word9/ and/or http://www.livejournal.com/users/nyghtshayde/ Series/Sequel: Not likely. Disclaimer: This was written by a person with fewer brain cells because homework ate most of them. Homework has eaten my brain. ========================================================================================================= It was that time of year again. The holidays were Silent Bob's favorite thing about the 365-day cycle and waking up this morning, the first day of December, he felt more alive than he had over the rest of the year. Of course, he'd woken up shivering because his skinny, twitchy roommate had opened all the windows and proved the perfect alarm by jumping around in the living room whooping and hollering about the snow. The heavier of the two now stood to one side of the Christmas tree they'd dragged home the night before; he was in mid-ornament hang when he was surprised by Jay's outburst...that sounded strangely like singing. "On the first day of Christmas my hetero lifemate gave to me...a Quik Stop shopping spree!" Arched eyebrow over one cocked brown eye. The fat man often stared at the blond this way, so when Jay glanced over at him, he wasn't surprised. In fact, he grinned and drizzled more silver icicles onto the fragrant branches, many of them clumping in one spot before he'd move on. Silent Bob reached over and casually spread out the thin metallic strips, watching his roommate bound around like a kid, making up lyrics. Indeed, that's what Jay was doing. "On the second day of Christmas my hetero lifemate gave to me...two packs of smokes and a Quik Stop shopping spree!" At the end of that verse, Jay tossed more tinsel onto the branches and jumped sideways toward Silent Bob, bouncing off him and right back to what he was doing to decorate the tree. Silent Bob settled back on his feet to keep his balance, watched the bouncing ball of overabundant energy out of the corner of his eye and continued to carefully hang ornaments. He placed the older ones, the ones with the most sentimental value to him and easily breakable, near the top of the tree. This way if the blond got over-exuberant, the stuff that Bob was most attached to would have a greater chance of being rescued. He thought Jay was going to be quiet now, leaving out the song in favor of just bouncing around the tree playing happy with the icicles. There hadn't been a new verse in a few minutes and Jay'd even taken a break to smoke a cigarette. Just when Silent Bob was about to reach for a beer, another explosion of song scared him into almost dropping the amber-colored bottle onto the already stained carpet. "On the third day of Christmas my hetero lifemate gave to me...three bags of grass...two packs of smokes and a Quik Stop shopping spree!" Silent Bob spun around to face the singing blond, noticing the waggling eyebrows and flashing blue eyes that twinkled like the clear lights on the tree and then Jay was off again to the other side of the tree. More tinsel and finally he started adding ornaments himself. Little ones that they'd picked up from craft stores and dollar stores. Wooden ones that could take a beating and from what Silent Bob could tell, now learning against the wall with his beer, they were taking a bit of a beating now at the hands of the overgrown kid with a serious case of the hypers. At this point, he'd decided to sit back and watch his roommate. He dropped onto the beat up sofa and kicked his feet up on the scuffed table, grinning with affection. No matter how many years passed, no matter how many times he wanted to smack the boy for his tactlessness, Silent Bob always settled back into his love of watching him. The fluid movements, the golden hair that flipped around the high cheek-boned oval face, the unintentional grace. It was always there. Now he just hung back, taking a break from decorating, and fed his need for strange beauty. And apparently his need to hear how the rest of Jay's version of the popular Christmas song would come out. "On the fourth day of Christmas my hetero lifemate gave to me...four phone cards...three bags of grass...two packs of smoke and a Quik Stop shopping spree! On the fifth day of Christmas, my hetero lifemate gave to me...FIVE FATTY BOOM BATTY BLUUUUUUUNTS!!!! Four phone cards, three bags of grass, two packs of smokes...and a Quik Stop shopping spree!" From the side, watching the whirlwind that stopped long enough to bellow out the "fifth day" verse, Silent Bob almost lost his composure and his beer. He started to laugh and nearly spit out the mouthful of beer. "Hey Sil'nt Bob! You okay, you fat fuck? Don't die on me before Present Day, man! Don't die on me!" Jay responded, stopping his song and his decorating long enough to make sure his muscle was okay. He hadn't heard the laughter, so when Bob started coughing, he worried. Once the heavier of the two held up his hand to let him know he was okay, Jay went back to his singing. Silent Bob sat back again, glad that he'd convinced his roommate to close the windows. He noticed a fresh fall of snow outside and didn't want to freeze anymore today. He didn't think he could take that AND Jay's song all at once. The rest of the lyrics were almost predictable but they made Silent Bob smile nonetheless. He still listened, chilled out, drank his beer and smoked a few smokes, all while Jay sang. There were six hotties laying (Jay), seven kitties playing, eight beers a clinking, nine babes a-dancing, ten guys a-moshing and eleven bongs and hash pipes. It was the most amusing song that Jay had filked yet and the fat man tried to file all the lyrics away for later giggles. He wondered if the blond bomb would ever remember what he'd sang. Just as he was about to stand back up to finish his part of decorating the tree, he was pounced by legs and arms and a warm, whipcord body. He fell back onto the sofa with the added weight of Jay. Flashes of gold flew in Bob's face and cerulean eyes closed in on his own before he realized that he was now getting a personal serenade. The last verse of Jay's Christmas song was clearly meant just for him. "On the twelfth day of Christmas my hetero lifemate gave to me...," Jay paused dramatically, wrapping his arms around the beefy shoulders and twisting his body till he was straddling the wider lap. It was good that he was so long-legged. "...12 straight hours of fuckin'!" Before Silent Bob could laugh, his lips were crushed by the singing pair and not for the first time, he was grateful that there were ways to shut Jay up.