Title: A Day in the Life... Author: J'Kitty Fandom: Askewniverse Feedback: jabinkle@unity.ncsu.edu Pairing: Jay and Bob are in it. Rating: This quote sums it up: "Are you sexually active?" "Yes! I'm very sexually active!" "With another person." "Oh. Uh. No." Disclaimer: Lots of mention of Jay doing sexual things with everything. Archive: I don't see why you'd want to... Type: Kinda songfic Summary: I decided to do a fic to the next song that came up, and "ADIDAS" by Korn popped up (bad choice of words). I didn't use any of the lyrics, but I think you'll understand how it relates. Notes: A day in the life of Bob. Meant to be humorous. Laugh! This one is dedicated to the pregnant bathtub. ///All day I dream about sex, all day I dream about fucking.../// 10:00 AM - At the Quick Stop for fifteen seconds, and Jay is already humping my leg. Horny little bastard is humping my leg, while Randal and Dante watch. This seems to be a sadly funny monument to my life. Hell, by three I'm going to have to hose him off before he goes after the nuns again. 10:30 AM - Sonic boom ran into the middle of the highway after a van full of what he thought was girls. Turns out they were all just really effeminate guys with long hair. Meanwhile, I'm standing here sighing and pretending not to know Jay as he screams, "I love women!" while standing in the middle of the highway and demonstrating "his moves". He was nearly run over by a semi. 11:15 AM - I walk into the Quick Stop to take a quick stop in the bathroom. After I check for dead guys, that is. When I get back, Jay is in the process of being arrested for trying to hump an officer. Well. That's almost true. Take the "trying" out of that sentence and change "to hump" to "humping". Jay was in the process of being arrested for humping an officer. I explain that Jay had Tourette's syndrome, and can't help himself. The cop looks skeptical, obviously doesn't want to be given shit about not being sympathetic to those with medical conditions. He lectures me for about half an hour about leaving the mentally ill alone for even moments. Behind the officer's back, Jay is engaged in humping various parts of the patrol car. 12:30 PM - We head down to the park to get a quick lunch. I stop a hot dog vendor and get a chili dog. Delicious. At least, until Jay points out that it looks like a dick. I try to ignore him by staring at the lake until he points out two ducks engaging in sexual acts in the middle of it. I give up on lunch. 2:00 PM - Dante is outside the Quick Stop brandishing a hockey stick at Randal. Seems Randal has told Dante's latest girlfriend that he thinks Dante tried to have sex with him while he was drunk. Jay tapes a sign to Dante's back reading "Master My Ass". 2:05 PM - Dante has discovered the sign. He is now brandishing the hockey stick at us. 3:00 PM - We decided that a strategic retreat was in order, and have instead opted to populate the mall until Dante comes to his senses. Before leaving, Jay drew a very graphic picture of himself having sex with Dante's mother in the dust on the hood of said clerk's car. I never knew Jay was so artistic. 3:01 PM - We've been standing in front of the pet store for forty five seconds, and the boy has pointed out that we're hanging out with lots of pussy at least five times (referring to the kittens and me). 5:30 PM - The book store finally kicked Jay out. After he'd finished reading all the Penthouses and Hustlers, he went to the back of the store and started investigating the sex manuals. Then he started practicing his new positions with a cardboard cutout of Stephen King. 6:00 PM - We ducked out of the mall long enough to pick up some Chinese food. Truly good stuff. Heaven, I was in. At least, until Jay began showing me his "tricks" on a fortune cookie. I'll never eat fortune cookies again. I can only be thankful that he didn't draw on his extensive anime-porn knowledge to remark upon the calamari. 8:00 PM - The Fellowship of the Ring _finally_ came out, and we're not missing it for anything. I've got my nice elf-bow and green costume, and Jay's looking at me like I'm a freak. He accuses me of having an elf fetish. At some point during the first fifteen minutes of the thing, he's become convinced that all the hobbits are gay, and spends the other two hours and forty five minutes commenting on what the hobbits are probably doing when they're not on screen. The mom with two children in front of us doesn't look pleased in the least. 12:00 PM - I shove Jay into the house. I'm dead on my feet, and I smell funny. Showering is a must. My flatmate, on the other hand, is swimming through the porn tapes like Scrooge McDuck through the moneybin. 12:30 PM - Yes, being clean and nice and fluffy improves things tremendously. I can even smell yummy food in the kitchen. I knew if I bought enough raw cookie dough, Jay would eventually start baking it. I could kiss that boy sometimes. 1:00 - I'm gonna kill that little bastard. He sculpted each and every cookie to resemble either a dick or a pussy. And then he took all the girl cookies. 2:30 - The walls are too thin in this place. After jacking off for like an hour and a half. Jay finally decided to shut the hell up so I could sleep. Blessed peace. At least, until he started mumbling in his sleep. Every fourth word or so involves graphic depiction of what he'd like to do to various women. And men. I don't think I'll mention that to him. At least, not unless he starts humping my leg again. 10:00 - Another day dawns. While pouring coffee into my stomach, Jay begans humping my leg and shouts, "I feel good today Silent Bob. I'm gonna fuck this bitch, and this bitch..." J'Kitty Hee.