Title: "Barely Breathing"
Author: Kelandris the Mad
Fandom: View Askewniverse
Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob (angst-RIDDEN!)
Rating: Songfic. Just so you're warned in advance. And I'd say this 
is NC-17, save for the fact that this is fuckin' *X* land! XXX! 
Yeepers!
Status: New
Archive: Automatic archiving at the Jay and Silent Bob slashlist 
archive; everyone else, drop me a note and it's yours. And on that 
note...
Feedback: kel@crazysheep.net
Series/Sequels: This sequels "Silent", the bad-n-schmaltzy. This 
gets into just plain bad in spots.
Disclaimers: All parts of my fannish being are enriched by the 
presence of Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes, Jason Lee, Ben Affleck, and all 
the merry characters at View Askew Productions (including their 
current master, Miramax,) save for that pesky financial part of my 
being, which receives no compensation whatsoever for these tawdry 
little tales.
Notes: Boys do *not* want to behave; think they're still mad at me 
from walking them thorugh "Dangerous Territory"? Again--who's 
surprised, here?--I have a storyline morphing on me. Gaaah.
Summary: Bob gets what he wants after the breakup. Sort of.
Warnings: AngstyJay. SilentJay. ConfusedBob. Worse, SCARYBOB. Big 
ol' ScaryBob appearance here. About as close to nonconsensual as 
consensual sex can get. Emotional pain, *physical* pain, some 
fighting, *heavy* overuse of the word "twitching".


"Barely Breathing"
by Kelandris


*well I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline
when I kiss away your tears*

He had nothing. He'd moved away for nothing. The man in the trench 
lit another cigarette, watching the boy in front of him dance and 
spin, and knew nothing had been resolved. He'd *left Jay*, and Jay 
had come and *found him*, and it had solved *nothing*.

He was back in Jay's arms. He was back in New Jersey. Both should 
have been a comfort, but neither were. Jay still maintained he 
hadn't forgiven him, yet he wouldn't sit down and talk. And there 
were days where Bob could barely move for the knot of pain in his 
belly that bent him over, made his breathing harsh, made him clench 
and struggle to continue breathing.

*you really had me going
wishing on a star
but the black holes that surround you
are heavier by far*

**You can never go home again,** he thought, laughing a little as he 
looked across the parking lot of the mall. There was no humor in the 
sound.

*I believed in your confusion
so completely torn
it must have been that yesterday
was the day that I was born*

He struggled to work it all out. Jay had come after him. Jay had 
found him. And though his sister had been displeased, had told him 
she would not mend the ravages of his next broken heart, he had held 
her, whispering he would be all right to the dark cloud of her hair, 
and packed up everything he owned for another time.

He had to have faith. But it was eroding in stages by Jay's cavalier 
acceptance that he wouldn't leave a second time.

He blinked, midway through tapping out another cig to light. *Would* 
he leave a second time? Was that what this was? Thinking his way 
through to a second departure? He gasped for a moment, looking away 
when Jay glanced in his direction, and struggled to make his 
breathing normal.

What the hell had he come *back* for, if he was only thinking of 
leaving again? *Jesus*, it would have been easier to stay in 
Minneapolis!

*not much to examine
nothing left to hide
you really can't be serious
you have to ask me why
I say goodbye?*

And Jay... my God, fucking *Jay*... He lit the cigarette, watching the 
blond move through narrowed eyes. Jay was acting as if nothing had 
happened. No. He was acting as if something *had* happened, but if 
he never referred to it, it wouldn't be an issue. This great 
fluttering ball of pain and passion between them, all twitching eyes 
and wingtips, and Jay was managing to quite convincingly ignore it. 
He was, to put things bluntly, being an utter shit about everything.

*because I am barely breathing
and I can't find the air
don't know who I'm kidding
imagining you care*

**Oh, and can we talk about the sex?** said the back of his head. 
Bob sighed, sliding the pack of Nails back in his coat pocket. Well, 
there hadn't been any, had there? Outside of that spate of desperate 
kisses, embracing under the fountain's eaves, there hadn't been 
anything. Hadn't they been sleeping together before he left? Dimly, 
he remembered that. So why now the total insistence on celibacy?

Oh, there'd been cuddles on the couch, Jay was too much of a sybarite 
to give up *all* forms of physical affection. But he'd gone back to 
sleeping in his own room, and though Bob had made a couple of 
attempts--as heart-wrenching as those were--nothing had come of 
them. What was Jay so afraid of?

What was Bob so afraid of, that he let Jay go on like this? He shook 
his head, blowing out smoke in a thin stream. Some questions had no 
answers.

*and I could stand here waiting
a fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price,
it's worth the price,
the price that I would pay*

A flash of lightning lit up the sky, and Jay jumped a good foot.

"Fuck!" he screamed, to no one in particular. Bob just nodded. He'd 
been watching this front blow in all day, and now the clouds were 
growing dark. It wasn't even four o'clock yet, but they'd have rain 
tonight. Should have been snow, as deep into winter as they were, 
but the past few days had been unseasonably warm. 

Jay turned wide eyes on him. The rims were pale white circles, the 
irises huge blue pools.

"Hey, um, we should go home, yeah? Get in out of the, uh, the rain, 
and shit." He swallowed.

Bob nodded, moving towards the bus stop. Nothing for customers 
anyway the past few days. Maybe he'd stay home tomorrow, let Jay go 
on ahead, see if he could catch up on his reading. Honestly, he 
didn't know what else to do.

*and everyone keeps asking
what's it all about?
I used to be so certain
now I can't figure out*

By the time they got home, the storm was in full force, rain lashing 
against the windows, driven by howling winds. They ran across the 
parking lot, running up the stairs to their apartment, but even that 
short time out in the weather had drenched Jay completely. He was 
shaking, and not just from cold, and his eyes were still wide, white 
staring orbs.

Bob frowned in his direction, shrugging out of his rain-spattered 
leather. His hair was a sealskin cap, dark strands smoothed against 
his head, dripping cold water on his shoulders. Jay's hair was 
completely soaked, along with Jay, who hadn't had the benefit of 
anything to keep the weather away.

*what is this attraction?
it's only filled by pain
nothing left to reason
and only you to blame
will it ever change?*

Walking into the bathroom, he grabbed two towels, and started the 
water running in the tub. He waited until it felt almost too hot to 
stand, switched over to shower, and walked out, tossing a towel to 
Jay.

He indicated the sound of running water, even now barely audible over 
the fury of the storm.

**You want to go first?**

Jay's teeth chattered.

"Dude, I... um, yeah, I... I..." 

He trailed off, shaking, and Bob's frown grew deeper. He walked 
over, folding Jay in one of the towels, briskly toweling warmth back 
into his limbs. The shudders grew worse, and finally Bob just held 
him, wrapping the towel around the strands of dripping gold.

*because I am barely breathing
and I can't find the air
don't know who I'm kidding
imagining you care*

"Shower," he said softly, indicating the bathroom with a head toss.

"Don't leave me," Jay whispered, shaking in his arms. 

Bob looked up, startled. What the hell was *this* shit, now? Some 
new fresh hell... But, sighing, he nodded, walking the blond to the 
bathroom. Jay didn't seem to be inclined to help, so Bob stripped 
off his sodden tee and his sodden jeans, difficult a task as that 
was. Jay just shivered, clenching his eyes when the winds outside 
grew loud.

*and I could stand here waiting
a fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price,
it's worth the price,
the price that I would pay
but I'm thinking it over anyway*

Lifting the curtain aside, he walked Jay over to the shadow, and Jay 
yelped when the hot water struck his skin. He turned, watching the 
curtain fall, and clutched at Bob.

"Please, Bob, don't--" And then he bit his lips, looking frantically 
at anything but the dark-haired man.

Bob, shaking his head, pried off his soaked sweater and kicked off 
his pants. His shoes were already over a heating vent by the door. 
He stepped into the shower, pulling the curtain closed, looking 
warily at Jay. Jay threw himself into his arms, shuddering, and Bob 
grimaced, swallowing.

**Everything he wants, everything he's ever wanted, until the storm 
blows over. Then what?**

But it was nice to hold him again. It filled all those empty places 
the last few months had scraped raw with want, and need, and pain. 
He held him, murmuring assurances into his hair, angling his 
shivering form into the thickest part of the spray. Bob's back was 
getting colder, but Jay was more important. He could always bundle 
up, but Jay... Turbo-driven as he was, it was always hard to get him to 
take care of himself, eat something other than Twinkies, drink 
something other than beer.

Then Jay kissed him, pressing desperately against him, sinking his 
fingers into his cold hair.

*come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?*

Bob stiffened, shocked, but Jay was determined. He kissed his lips 
open, kissed past the fence of teeth he could never think of 
clenching, wrapped his tongue around Bob's. He sucked his tongue in, 
sucking it like it was a small precious treasure, and breathing moans 
and gasps into Bob's open mouth, still open from the initial shock of 
contact.

What the *hell*? And now Jay was moving against him, and oh, God, it 
had been so long... He felt his cock rise to the occasion, scraping 
against Jay's cold belly, and Jay shivered again, moving away by 
fractions of an inch.

"Cold," he whispered. "Cold, Bob, cold." He moved against the wall, 
and Bob inhaled as the hot spray hit his chill flesh for the first 
time. He blinked, rubbing his arms, and Jay sank to his knees, 
holding Bob's legs and licking his belly.

"Jay..." Bob whispered. He wasn't going to...?

"No," Jay said, not looking at him. He leaned in, licking droplets 
from Bob's upper thighs, licking hot water from his twitching cock, 
licking it and sucking it in. Bob gasped again, looking up at the 
ceiling.

**Why now? Why fucking *now*? And is it more than just the storm?**

*because I am barely breathing
and I can't find the air
don't know who I'm kidding
imagining you care*

Jay sucked water from him, water and other, saltier fluids, and Bob 
bucked against him, breathing hard. Biting his lip, he reached down, 
stroking wet fingers through Jay's hair, wanting nothing more in this 
moment but Jay's mouth, doing the wonderful things Jay's mouth was 
doing. His knees were growing weak, and he braced himself, one arm 
against the tiles, gasping, twitching, raining whispered endearments 
on Jay's bobbing head.

"Oh, God," he gasped. "Jay, gonna come Jay, gonna, gonna *come*--" 

He fought back the pressure, wanting it to last longer, but it had 
been so long they'd been apart. He shuddered, bending over slightly, 
thrusting against Jay's mouth, thrusting deep, the tip of his cock 
sliding down Jay's throat. Hearing Jay moan in that moment, 
swallowing against him, was all it took.

"Jay! Love you, Jay!" And he thrust forward, jetting into Jay's 
eager mouth, Jay struggling to swallow every drop. Gasping, 
twitching, shuddering through pulse after pulse of sweet driving 
pleasure, Jay's mouth extending things with little licks, little 
caresses of lips over twitching flesh.

"Ohhh... .God�Jay..."

And Jay rose, shaking his head.

"Don't. Just... don't." 

He turned, still shaking, and poured shampoo into his hand, scrubbing 
it through the long strands of yellow silk. He turned, looking over 
his shoulder.

"Scrub my back?" he asked plaintively.

Bob looked down. Still twitching. Yep, *something* had happened. 
He looked up, shrugging, and nodded, reaching for the loofah.

*and I could stand here waiting
a fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price,
it's worth the price,
the price that I would pay*

Shower over, toweled off and wrapped in fluffy robes, they debated 
quietly between movies and sleep, and Jay yawned, deciding the 
issue. Still shaking his head, Bob walked into his room, but when he 
turned to close the door, Jay was standing there. Biting his lip, he 
tossed his chin towards the bed.

"C'n I...?"

Bob looked at the bed, looked at Jay. Shrugged.

**This day can*not* get weirder.**

"Sure," he said softly. He walked to his side of the bed, slipping 
out of the robe and sliding under the covers. Jay did the same on 
the other side, then immediately curled up in Bob's arms. He was 
still shivering. Bob held him, combing warm hands through his hair, 
combing fingers through his hair long after Jay fell asleep. 
Eventually, Bob did the same.

He woke up once, shaken from dreams by something, and opened his eyes 
to see Jay's head at his waist again. Jay looked up.

"Good. You're `wake," Jay said. Bob didn't understand the thread of 
self-mockery running through the simple words. But Jay scrambled 
over him, reaching for the lube in the side drawer, which distracted 
most thoughts in his head.

Jay poured lube on his hand, rubbing it into Bob's hard length, the 
tip of his tongue poking out from between his lips. Finally he 
nodded, while Bob was shuddering on the bed, close to a second orgasm.

He clambered on top, sinking down on Bob, gritting his teeth. Bob 
put his hands on Jay's hips, trying to slow him down, but Jay shook 
his head.

"Need it... too bad," he gasped, reaching down and pulling his cheeks 
apart. In the dim light filtering through the blinds, Bob got a 
glimpse of his cock disappearing into Jay, inch by inch, and clenched 
his hands in the sheets, fighting the urge to thrust.

"Don't," Jay said. "Come on, fuck me, come on..."

Biting his lips, Bob placed gentle hands on Jay's hips, and Jay 
snorted.

"*Fuck* that!" He grabbed Bob's arms and *pulled*, sending Bob 
thrusting up inside him. Suddenly he was surrounded by heat and 
warmth and *pressure*--my God, Jay wasn't ready for this *at all*--
but Jay was screaming, tossing his hair, forcing himself down 
further, fighting to get all of Bob in.

"Yeah," he cried, "yeah, yeah, like that, fuck me, fuck me so *hard*--
" Tears sprang to his eyes but still, he moved on Bob, harsh little 
jerks forward of his hips, fighting all of him in.

**I don't understand. I don't understand *any* of this...**

But he turned over, turning Jay carefully onto the bed, and leaned 
back, grabbing one of Jay's ankles in each hand, holding them high. 
Then he pulled out, watching Jay's face carefully.

It contorted, Jay's hands grasping at his chest, trying to pull him 
back in.

"*Hard*, dude, want it *hard*, wanna feel it tomorrow, wanna *hurt* 
for you--"

"I don't think--"

"No, you don't, do you, fucker?" Jay's eyes narrowed to thin 
slits. "Now *fuck* me already!"

Bob pulled back, shaking his head, and both of them gasped when he 
pulled out. Jay rose from the bed, hitting Bob, sobbing now, 
striking at him, and after the first couple of blows, Bob just held 
his arms, staring at him.

Tears trailed down his snarling face. "Just want you to *fuck* me, 
why won't you fuckin' *do* that? Why can't you just *fuck me?*"

Bob swallowed. "Jay, we need to--"

"No!" the blond screamed. "No talking! No fuckin' talking!" 

And he dove for Bob's lips, kissing breath from him, kissing concern 
away, kissing everything away but the driving need for Jay underneath 
him, Jay in his arms again, Jay, Jay. Jay.

With a groan, Bob surrendered, sliding into Jay again, thrusting 
harder than he'd ever dared in his life with any bedmate. With his 
width, his length, it had always been dangerous. And he watched 
Jay's face clench and grimace underneath him. It hurt Jay--it nearly 
hurt him--but Jay kept saying yes, kept pulling at him to go deeper, 
go harder, more, more.

And Bob kept going, soon so caught up in the brutal joy of it he 
couldn't have stopped if he wanted to. Oh, yesss... The permission now 
to thrust, and not be careful, not be gentle, tapped something dark 
and fierce in him. He grabbed Jay's arms, holding them over his 
head, and thrust harder as Jay cried out beneath him, flailing on the 
bed.

"Jay... my God..."

"Fuckmefuckmefuckme," Jay chanted, breath catching in his 
chest. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that, just like that, hard an' fast, 
Bob, hard an' fuckin' *fast*..."

Bob sped up, the bed shuddering, the headboard slamming against the 
wall. He was grunting now, driving into Jay, plundering the boy 
beneath him. And Jay was whimpering, but kept arching up, arching 
against him, rubbing his cock against Bob's belly. He watched Jay's 
eyes roll up in his head, and then the blond spasmed underneath him, 
spurting onto his belly, screaming his name.

And Bob felt Jay clench around him, clench tight, and his mouth 
seized in an O of astonishment. His eyes widened, then he roared, 
pumping hot fluid into Jay, jackhammering it into him, his hips on 
overdrive for one long, unconscious moment.

"Holy fuck..." he breathed, regaining control, and slid out as slowly 
and gently as he was able. He looked down. He was afraid to look 
down. He looked down anyway, and clenched his eyes shut. There were 
dark streaks along his length, dark streaks from tears in Jay.

Silently, Bob rose, going to the bathroom. He cleaned up, carefully 
not thinking about what he was cleaning off, and washed the crimson 
traces from his hands. He soaked a towel in warm water, and grabbed 
a tube of antibiotic cream as he returned to the bedroom.

As carefully as he could, he wiped Jay clean of blood, seeing now the 
tears he'd created. They would heal, but it wouldn't be comfortable 
for a long while. He ran a ribbon of the white cream over a finger, 
looking directly at Jay for the first time.

"This might hurt," he said softly.

Jay shook his head, a defiant expression on his lean face. "I don't 
care. I wanted it. You unnerstand me? I wanted this."

He said the words as if he were trying to convince himself of their 
validity, and Bob's heart clenched inside. Tomorrow... oh, tomorrow 
would be hell. But he rubbed the cream gently into Jay, around the 
tear, and Jay hissed air through his teeth as the burning started.

Briskly, Bob wiped his hands, and lay down again. Surprisingly, Jay 
stayed, curling up against his body. As he was slipping into sleep, 
Bob felt Jay reach down, wrap a tender hand around his soft organ, 
cupping it. Obscurely, it was very comforting. And then he slept 
again.

but I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway*

The next morning, Bob turned over, hands reaching for his beloved, 
and the bed was empty.

*well I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear*

END
(Song is Duncan Sheik's "Barely Breathing")
*****
Kelandris the Mad
standing at the water's edge