Title: It's a Blunt-filled Life
Author: Charles (jcrewguy@gmail.com)
Rating: R
Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob
Fandom: Askewniverse
Archive: Yes to list archive, otherwise ask.
Summary: Silent Bob wonders how different the world would be.
Disclaimer: Not mine. All hail Smith.
Notes: Never let it be said that I don't tackle my own challenges.

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"Fine!" Jay yelled at the departing figure. "If that's the way you
feel about it, then get the fuck outta here!" He grabbed an ornament
from the tree and hurled it at the door that was slammed in his face.

Stupid fucking useless holiday, Silent Bob thought as he stalked away
from the apartment. Stupid little shit had to ruin everything. Fuck
him. Moronic stoner prick.

Bob's thoughts continued in this vein as he walked, paying no
attention to the cold night air. His anger dissipated, leaving him
feeling depressed. He paused on an overpass and looked down at the
cars speeding below. Maybe I should, he thought. Dickehead obviously
thinks he'd be better off without me. He gripped the cold metal of the
railing with his bare hands, not caring if they froze onto there and
thought about it. Really thought about it.

His musings were interrupted by a familiar voice.

"So you and the little stoner have one bad fight and you think about
chucking yourself off of an overpass? Some days I wonder why She even
bothers with the likes of you."

Silent Bob's eyes widened as he turned his head and saw Metatron
standing there.

"Don't act so bloody surprised. Despite the drug peddling your friend
has done, the two of you have also done a lot of good."

Bob shrugged as if to say, "I guess so." He was nothing if not humble.

"So you think that little stoner would have been better off without
you? She begs to differ, and I've been sent to prove it to you."

Silent Bob raised an eyebrow as if he was saying, "Prove it?"

"Yes, bloody well prove it. Take my hand and we can get this over
with," Metatron sighed as he held one hand out towards Bob.

Silent Bob took Metatron's hand and gasped as the night and the
overpass disappeared. They were replaced with a sight Bob hadn't seen
in years. The high school he had attended with Jay.

But Silent Bob wasn't there now. So there was no fat kid for Jay to
mock and eventually befriend in detention. No one for Jay to hang out
with after school and get high with.

Bob watched in horror as "highlights" from this Jay's life were shown
to him. How Jay got into harder drugs and how that led to prison.
Silent Bob tried to close his eyes when Jay went to prison, but it was
no use. The images were in his mind.

There were tears in Bob's eyes as he watched Jay's hair get shorn.
Silent Bob began to openly cry when a grizzled prisoner made Jay his
bitch. It got worse, as Jay became a hardened victim of the system.
When Jay was released from jail, he simply returned to the life he had
led before.

Silent Bob turned to Metatron with tears in his eyes.

"All right, you've seen enough of that. But don't think his is the
only life you've had an impact on."

Silent Bob wiped the tears from his eyes with a sleeve and watched as
the scene before his eyes became the loft that Banky and Holden
shared. They weren't working on Bluntman & Chronic, however. They were
barely speaking to each other.

Bob glanced at the drawing boards they used and saw that they had
sketches and titles for various comic books. None of them featured
Bluntman & Chronic or any variation on those heroes.

"Our lease is up at the end of the month," Holden quietly told Banky.

"Fine," was Banky's reply. "I'll have my stuff out by then."

Holden sighed. "It doesn't have to be like this, Bank."

"Yes it does. We're not coming up with a goddamned thing and it's
affecting our friendship. I'm sorry, but I value you more than coming
up with some underground book that five people might read."

"So why are you moving out? Why not stay? We can live here and not
talk business."

"No, we can't. We fucking can't and you know it, Holden. God, you're
such a whiny bitch sometimes. Forget collaborating. We should each do
our own fucking thing."

Silent Bob shook his head sadly. He'd heard that Banky and Holden were
e-mailing each other now, which was a start. What he was seeing wasn't
right.

Metatron snorted. "Just wait. It gets better."

Silent Bob blinked and found himself and Metatron standing before the
gates of Miramax Studios. "Look familiar? It should. Let's go to
Soundstage 37."

Metatron and Bob stood in the middle of the set as preparations
carried on around them for filming. No one noticed their presence.
Silent Bob cocked his head and looked at Metatron.

"Very good, you've figured out that no one can see or hear us. Takes
some people forever to figure that one out."

A production assistant stepped in front of them and used the
clapboard. "Walt & Steve-Dave: The Movie, take three."

"Action!" called the director.

Silent Bob turned to Metatron with an expression of mock horror on his
face.

"I told you," Metatron smirked.

Bob shook his head as if to say, "No more."

"We're not done yet," Metatron told him. "She's got one more thing She
wants you to see."

The soundstage shifted away and Bob found himself with Metatron,
standing in the parking lot of a familiar-looking abortion clinic. It
was night, and Bethany was walking to her car. Silent Bob could only
watch, horrified as the Stygian Triplets fell upon her.

"Because you and that lifemate of yours weren't there, she died. And
Bartleby and Loki managed to undo existence."

Metatron waved his hand and Silent Bob found they were in what
amounted to nothingness. There was nothing where they were, except for
them.

"Changed your mind?" Metatron asked Bob.

Silent Bob nodded with red-rimmed eyes.

"She thought you might," Metatron smirked. He snapped his fingers and
Silent Bob looked around. They were on the overpass again.

Silent Bob pulled his hands off of the railing and wrapped Metatron in
an embrace.

"You lot are always so emotional," Metatron said disgustedly. "You'd
better hurry back. God only knows what *he's* gotten into while you
were gone."

Silent Bob released Metatron and started to run in the direction of
home. After a few steps, he turned and yelled, "Thank you!!!!"

"You're welcome," Metatron told him. "I always did like that one. He's
actually polite," he commented to himself as he disappeared in a flash
of light.

Back at the apartment, Jay hadn't done anything terrible after Bob's
departure. He had knocked a few ornaments off of the tree and then
collapsed onto the couch. After a few minutes of that, Jay grew
worried. He wondered where the fuck Bob could have gone and began
pacing around, worried as hell.

Jay was interrupted, mid-pace when the door to the apartment opened
and Silent Bob walked in.

"Where the hell have you been? Who the fuck do you think you are,
walking out of here without sayin' a goddamned-"

Bob interrupted Jay by grabbing him and kissing him passionately.
Bob's fingers ran through Jay's long hair and Bob nearly wept at the
sensation.

Jay broke off the kiss and looked at Bob.

Silent Bob cleared his throat and looked at Jay. "I'm sorry."

"Fucking-tubby-bitch-making-me-worry-like-that-walking-out-of-here-slamming-the-
goddamn-door-I'm-sorry-too-take-me-into-the-bedroom-and-I'll-give-you-a-fucking-present,"
Jay said in one long breath.

Bob smiled and put an arm around Jay's shoulders as he led him towards
the bedroom.

Elsewhere, Metatron looked at God, annoyed. "I hope you're happy. I
was finally winning a poker game with Gabriel and you called me away
for that."

God simply smiled at him.