Title: Cheated - A Contemplation
Author: Mercury Starlight
Rating: R (language)
Pairing: J/SB
Archive: Yessiree
Series/Sequels: unsure, probably a stand-alone
Notes: Semi-autobiographical, mostly just Bob getting some stuff off his chest. Just a reflection on the troubles of living 
with Jay.


~ Cheated ~

Jay fucked that girl at the party last weekend. 

After I had made my definition of 'monogamy' explicitly clear before we even left the house. After he claimed to agree. 
After he told me he loved me. He fucked her anyway. He went and fucked that girl and came home as if nothing had happened. 
And earlier today, he mentioned it. Casually, as if he were recounting what he had for breakfast. I took it well. Actually, 
I didn't take it at all. It was just ingested, as if he actually had just told me what he had for breakfast. As the day wore
on, I began to focus on it. And it is eating me now. 

Currently, I am sitting in the living room with the lights off, staring straight ahead, as if this will eliminate the image 
from my mind. He is back in the bedroom, sleeping soundly, more than likely glad I'm not there to hog the covers. I am 
entirely unsure whether I am angry or not. I'm hurt, I can tell you that, but I don't know if anger covers it. If he had 
been sober, angry would be the word. Terribly disappointed would be more accurate right now. I am terribly disappointed. And 
very, very wounded. 

I don't know why I'm surprised. I suppose I'm not surprised, not at the deed anyway. Jay has always looked at sex as 
something completely casual, to be doled out to whoever he saw fit. I just don't know why he decided that a little thing 
like commitment shouldn't stop him from doing whatever the hell he wanted. Or whoever the hell he wanted, for that matter. 
In one night, he managed to undo an entire year's worth of built trust. An entire year spent learning to be secure in his 
newfound faithfulness, and now the trust thing is right back where it started from. You know, a couple of steps ahead of 
'as far as I can throw him.' 

What really pisses me off isn't that he did it. It was that he happened to omit it for almost a week. That he just never 
managed to find the time to say, "Oh, hey Lunchbox, by the way, you should probably know that I undermined a year's worth of `I love you's' for 
a quick fuck on Friday. Just thought I should tell you." I mean, how little do I mean to him that he never bothers to 
mention something like that? He wasn't even hiding it from me, he just thought I already knew. Like if I had already known, 
I wouldn't have minded. I'm sorry, but how fucking stupid can you be? How insensitive, how cruel? I love him so much, and
I'm practically crushed by this fucking thing. Though, oddly enough, I'm not going to leave him.

Something like drunken infidelity isn't something to throw away a friendship almost three decades old. I'm just very upset, 
and that's why I'm sitting here, in the dark, letting myself get really worked up over it. Because if I let it all get out
now, I won't blow up at him. I'll sit him down and carefully explain what was wrong with what happened. And, probably, he'll 
listen. Maybe the message will stick, maybe it won't. For right now, I'm going to sit here until I am confident that I can 
sleep in the same room with him. If that confidence does not manifest, I will sleep on the couch. This is a good plan, one 
that will work, I think. I don't see how...

"Bob?" I hear the bedroom door open, soft footfalls in the hallway, "You comin' to bed, babe? 'S cold without you."

He runs a thumb down my cheek, crouches to look into my eyes. From the vague light of a distant street lamp through the 
blinds, I can see what looks like concern in his face.

"You ok?" I nod. He doesn't believe me and takes it upon himself to climb into my lap, wrapping his long arms around my neck, 
maintaining eye contact. He only closes his eyes moments before he kisses me.

The kiss is quick, sweet, apologetic. He pulls away and looks straight back into my eyes. He rests his forehead on mine, 
touching noses, a slight wetness gathering in that ever changing hazel.

"I'm really sorry, babe," his breathing becomes ragged, he's really tearing up now, "I didn't mean it, you know that. You 
know I love you, don't you?"

I nod.

"An' that I'd never hurt you on purpose, you know that too?"

Another nod.

"Can you forgive me?" he pauses, I don't respond, so he kisses a response out of me, "Please?"

"I'm still mad," I say, not really meaning it, but trying to prove a point.

"That's ok, I don't mind, just don't be so mad that you do something like ditching me, ok?"

The response makes me smile. I gather him up and carry him back down the hall. Ok, so maybe I will sleep in our room 
tonight. I can't resist him, I love him too much. I do still feel hurt, and slighted, and a little miffed. Tomorrow, I'm 
going to tell him so. Tonight however, I have a job to do. Didn't you hear him? He's cold.
*************************************

Hey, where is everybody? I know Kel isn't going to be around for a while, and is Starla still in the process of moving? At 
any rate, I offer this up to all and sundry. Hope you enjoy it!

~*!*~
Mercury (<---feeling a little cheated herself...kind of...and bemoaning the difficulties of dating a multiple...)