Title: Chemicals (1-2/?)
Author: Jade 
Pairing: J/SB
Rating: PG-13 for.. I dunno... Jay being Jay.
Archive: Yep. 
Feedback: jade27_al@yahoo.com
Sequel/Series: Oh, there'll be at least one, if not 2
more after this.
Disclaimer: Don't own Jay and Bob.. blah blah blah,
Kevin, View Askew, Miramax do.. blah blah blah..
undying love and devotion.. yadda yadda yadda...
Notes: Jay is being a little bastard. He wouldn't play
nice with Bob like I wanted. So.. yeah. Imma fuck him
up for it. MUAHAHAH! 
-------------------------------------------------------

So.

We was at the electronics store the other day. I was
sittin' on my ass watching one of them big fuckin'
TVs. You know, the one's the size Rhode Island? Yeah.
Too bad the store don't get porn. That would have been
the shit.

I'd just finished watching some show or another and I
wandered up to Silent Bob. He was examining some CD
player or something.

"Yo Lunchbox." I says, trying to get the hint across I
was ready to go. But the bitch just kept looking at
the thing. He's probably trying to figure out how to
make one. I swear, the motherfucker's like MacGyver.
No! The motherfucker's better than MacGyver!

But anyways. 

So's I tap him and say it louder. Cause when that
fucker is into something, nothing short of the
uh-pock-o-lips can drag his tubby ass away.

Then he looked up at me. Looks right into my fuckin'
eyes. It would give me a chill if it weren't so warm
and soft. Then he just smiled.

Fucker gave me that look again. I've seen that look a
million times.

And I've ignored that look a million times. I just
turn back to the TVs and pretend I didn't see it. I
didn't see anything.

I know what's goin' on in that head of his. For such a
silent fucker, he ain't so quiet. His actions speak
louder than any of the shit I spew day in and day out.

Fucker loves me.

He ain't said it yet, never has. And I hope he don't.
It ain't real until it's said. I can just keep
ignoring it until he says it. And we can just keep
bein' Jay and Silent Bob and not have to deal with it.

And I can't deal with it.

Love's bullshit anyway. Nothing but a fuckin' chemical
in your brain. And eventually it'll wear off. Just
like any drug. The happy, floaty feeling will go away
and be replaced by that lead ball in your gut. Then
you get to spend the next week with your head in a
fuckin' toilet. That's if you can even haul your ass
out of bed.

I hear him sigh and set down that thing he was playin'
with.

"Jay."

Oh shit. Fucker's talkin'. Don't say it. 

"You finally fuckin' done jackass? Shit man, I swear
you have a fuckin' electronics fetish." I snap 'fore
he can say anything. Then I beat him to it. "What, you
ready to go home so you can jump in my ass the second
we get in the door? I bet you are motherfucker. You
lay so much as one hand on me and I'll scream rape.
Fuckin' fag."

There. That should shut him up for a while.. well.. I
mean.. you know what I mean.

He just sighs and gives me another look. Fucker. You'd
think I just snapped the neck of one of those kitties
at the pet shop. He is such a fucker, I swear to God.

"You ready?"

"I've been ready for half a fuckin' hour, fatass." I
snap again. I just want to go home and get stoned. I
don't think about this shit when I'm stoned.

Silent Bob just kinda glares at me, then walks out of
the store.

Crisis averted. At least for today.

***

Oh fuck.

Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck.

Bitch said it. Just fuckin' walked right up to me an'
said it.

I was jus' sittin' there watchin' TV and shit when the
tubby fucker walks up to me and said it.

"I love you Jay."

I just stared at him. I was pissed. How dare he
fuckin' just say it like that! No fuckin' warning or
nothing. That motherfucker. So as a payback, I didn't
say nuthin' when I belted him in the mouth. Just
fuckin' bickety BAM! And that fatass motherfucker was
on his ass faster than Walt Flanagan's dog. I think he
was bleedin' too.

Good.

Motherfucker.

Second I landed that punch though, I was on my feet
and out the door.

I thought I heard the bitch crying when I left. I
don't care. I'd cry to if I wasn't so pissed though.
Motherfucker had no right to do that to me. I never
fuckin' wanted this. 

Love is complete bullshit. Love is nothing. I hate
love.

I hope I never see that motherfucker again.

I don't think I will either, but cause I just noticed
the semi barreling down the street at me...

***