Title: Christmas on the Run
Author: Charles (jcrewguy@gmail.com)
Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob
Rating: R
Summary: Jay and Silent Bob piss off the mob. At Christmas.
Archive: Yes to the list archive, otherwise ask.
Disclaimer: Not mine. All hail Smith.
Notes: Epeeblade's suggestion when I asked for ideas to help reach the
Number of the Beast in stories. Wyo and Lek looked it over and pointed
out one or two minor mistakes. Thanks, guys.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bob glared at Jay as he continued to try and catch his breath. The
glare said, "How could you possibly be so stupid?"

Jay smacked Bob with an open hand. In between gulps of air he told
Silent Bob, "I'm supposed to fuckin' know that some mobster's kid is
allergic to oregano? It's a goddamn spice! No one's allergic to them!"

The look Bob gave Jay said, "Well, someone is, dumbass."

"I did't know he was no mob guy's kid either!" Jay straightend up and
kicked the air in frustration.

Silent Bob sighed and shrugged, as if to say, "I give up." He looked
around their surroundings and realized they were at a mall. More
accurately, a mall they had never been to before. That meant no prick
like LaFours to harass them. And most important of all, no one to
recognize them.

He headed for the entrance of the mall, Jay trailing behind. "We're
being chased by guys who want us dead and you wanna SHOP!?!?" Jay
yelled at him.

Silent Bob put a finger to his lips to quiet Jay down. He mimed
laughing as if his stomach was even larger and rounder and then tugged
on a nonexistent beard.

"Santa? You want us to go in there and hide as Santa?"

Bob pointed at Jay and made the gestures of a dentist. "Hell no!" Jay
replied. "I ain't dressin' like a goddamn elf!"

Silent Bob shrugged and waved goodbye to Jay as he headed into the
mall by himself.

Jay thought about it for a moment and then followed. "Wait up, fat
ass! I'll be your elf, but I ain't wearing no pointed ears!"

After an ambush of Santa and one of his elves as they were headed to
the bathroom, Jay and Bob outfitted themselves in the appropriate
costumes and headed to Santa's Village.

Jay immediately took command of the situation. "Santa ain't feelin'
too well, so he ain't talking. Got it?" The children and their parents
nodded.

One of the mothers raised her hand. "Excuse me, but what happened to
the other Santa?"

"There ain't no other Santa, lady. So unless you and your kid wanna be
stuck at the end of the fuckin' line, shut up and stop askin'
questions."

The mother reddened and took her child by the hand. "The Santa at the
Eden Prarie Mall certainly doesn't use language like this!" she
sniffed as she stalked away, child in tow.

Jay glared at the other parents and children in line. "Let that be a
lesson to all of y'alls!" he declared.

Parents started to look at each other and mutter. After Jay told the
first child to sit on Santa's lap that, "You can suck on the candy
cane he gives you, but only I get to suck on Santa's," the parents and
their children fled en masse. Some of them made noises about speaking
to the management about the. vulgar Santa and elf they had this year.

Jay stood around as Silent Bob glared at him in a way that said,
"Haven't you heard of the meaning of the word 'inconspicuous'
dickweed?"

"Damn, these tights ride up!" Jay commented as he tugged at his
crotch. "Whassup ladies?" he called to a couple of women who were
walking by. "Wanna suck on my candy cane? It's better for you than a
real one!"

Bob got up from Santa's throne and smacked Jay with Santa's hat. The
look he gave Jay said, "What did you do that for?"

Jay shrugged. "You never know. Santa might bring me one of them in my
stocking."

Bob sat back down on the throne and started to consider ditching Jay.
Jay busied himself, pocketing as many candy canes as he could, "For
later." That was when a mob of people, led by the Santa and elf they
had "borrowed" the costumes from appeared around a corner and pointed
angrily in their direction.

Silent Bob grabbed Jay by the collar of his costume and started to
run.