Title: Four Things That Never Happened To Jay & Silent Bob
Author: Charles (jcrewguy@gmail.com)
Rating: R
Archive: Yes to list archive and my site. Otherwise ask.
Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob
Summary: Like the title says, four things that never happened (in canon) to Jay & Silent Bob.
Disclaimer: Not mine. All hail Smith.
Notes: Nyghtshayde deserves credit for thing numero uno, Random for numero two-o, Wyo for numero three-o, and numero 
four-o? That was mine. Written for JayandSilentBob-slash's fourth anniversary.

@@@@@@@@@

1. "Isn't he cute?" cooed Jay as he held the squirming infant in his arms. Silent Bob nodded. 
Jay wiggled his fingers at the baby's face. "You're the cutest baby ever! Yes you are!"

There suddenly came a noise similar to a trumpet being squashed. It was followed by an odor so 
foul that it could have only escaped from the pits of hell.

"Holy shit!" Jay exclaimed. He thrust the infant at Silent Bob, who stepped back. His expression
clearly said, "You're not giving that... thing to me."

"Fuck!" Jay said as he tried to hold the infant and his nose at the same time. He looked around 
and decided that the best course of action would be to put the kid down, grab Silent Bob and run 
like the wind. So he did.

2. Jay studied the television. The jokes weren't as funny. He looked around the room. Things 
weren't as interesting. Hell, even making out with Silent Bob wasn't as much fun as it used to
be.

"Motherfucker!" Jay smacked Silent Bob. "How could you lose our money like that, you fat fuck? 
Now we can't get no pot, can't get no booze, and I'm fuckin' bored!"

Silent Bob put a hand into his pants pocket and pulled out a condom.

Jay knocked it away. "No, I don't wanna knock boots with you *again*. You make some fucked up 
faces when you come, and I'd need some enhancements to help me get over it."

3. Jay swung the club experimentally a few times. "Motherfuckers better watch out, 'cause we're 
comin'! Ain't that right, Silent Bob?"

Bob nodded.

"Fuckin' A!" Jay hefted the club up onto his shoulders and jerked his head at Bob, who picked up 
the bag and shouldered it. "Fuckin' Tiger Woods ain't got nothin' on us! We are gonna win the 
shit out of that Red Bank Country Club golf title!"

4. Jay rubbed his hands appreciatively over his chest. "Yeah, check these bad motherfuckers out! I got me some titties now, 
Silent Bob! Motherfuckin' double Ds!"

Neither Jay or Silent Bob questioned it when Jay had awakened with tits. Jay thought it would be 
nice. Now he wouldn't have to go anywhere to get some "boobie" action. He could just stand around 
in front of the mirror and touch himself.

Bob liked to watch Jay play with himself. But he had started to notice something about Jay, and 
Bob was having trouble finding the right words to tell him. How *did* one tell their hetero 
lifemate that, "Hey, your dick is shrinking" anyway?