Title: HARD Candy Christmas
Author: Nyghtshayde
Fandom: View Askew
Pairing: Jay and Silent Bob
Rating:  PG for language
Summary: Jay and Silent Bob are at the mall but get separated.  Bob 
finds Jay in the candy store.  Sweetness and mischief ensues.  
Archive:  Most definitely if it's Charles.  I know where it'll be.  
Anyone else ask and I'll probably let you take it for a roadmap to 
where it'll be located. 
E-mail: Nyghtshayde9@yahoo.com
Series/Sequel: I don't think so.  
Disclaimer:  They're not mine.  They're Kevin's.  I don't get 
anything out of writing these things except for a few giggles and 
the ability to raise a few eyebrows other than Silent Bob's.  
Warnings: I don't think that Dolly Parton ever intended for her song 
to be used in this fashion.  No it's not really a songfic.  I just 
have one itty bit of lyric at the end.  It's her song and I dragged 
its wholesomeness into a story that contains obscenities, implied 
smut and the sexual abuse of peppermint.  What can I say?  It was my 
turn to molest the peppermint.  
Notes: This is all an attempt to reach the # deadline for the list.  
I stayed up very early in the morning to finish this before my muses 
decided to go on another coffee and cigarette break.  I am tired and 
must go to bed now.  

**********************************

HARD Candy Christmas

To describe Jay as a "kid in a candy store" worked on different 
levels for different things.  If he was at the mall, there were 
several stores that made his blue eyes light up like Christmas 
lights and he'd go bounding off at full speed.  

Silent Bob alternately hated and loved this about his lifemate.  He 
hated it because it meant that he had to go chasing after the blond 
bomb to make sure that he didn't get himself into any trouble.  
Which usually happened anyway, Bob mused to himself as he once again 
searched the stores for his little lost friend.  The heavy-set guy 
walked through the mall, peeking into each store that he thought Jay 
would be hanging out in, fondling everything his heart desired (but 
rarely got), but couldn't find him.  That made him increasingly 
nervous.  He ran into Brodie Bruce and intended to break his normal 
silence to ask him if he'd seen the little shit anywhere.  

"Where's your fucking shadow, Silent Bob?" Brodie asked, clutching 
to a small Styrofoam cup of coffee he'd gotten from one of the food 
court establishments.  

At first, Silent Bob gave one of his familiar shrugs, thought about 
staying quiet and then answered briefly, "Don't know.  He ran off."  

"Ah...dazzled by the Christmas lights, huh?  That or he's in the 
chick shop with all the panties, trying to score."  

Hmm.  Now _that_ he hadn't thought of.  All that leather and lace 
and satin would be likely to tempt the blond.  Probably was 
loitering inside the shop right now, playing with the various things 
on the racks...checking out the chicks who were trying things 
on...asking them to model items for him...

Suddenly, Silent Bob's eyes got huge and he slapped his hand to his 
forehead, taking Brodie by surprise.  The taller of the two was 
about to go off into some soliloquy about comics but Bob just ran 
off without so much as a Merry-fucking-Christmas, running as fast as 
his shorter legs could take him.  Brodie just watched him go mid-
sentence, shrugged and walked back over for a free refill. 

Meanwhile, the trench coat-clad brunette tried to stop in front of 
the lingerie shop, sliding past and then skidding to a stop, 
colliding with a couple of shoppers.  Trying to catch his breath, he 
walked back over to the storefront and peered inside, attempting to 
catch sight of blond hair or the sound of very bad pick up lines.  
At first, he couldn't see anything at all, so he took a tentative 
step inside the store.  Shocked and annoyed stares followed him 
through the racks, past the tame stuff, around the racier garments 
and back out of the store.  If he hadn't been so intent on finding 
his roommate, he'd have paid more attention to the nature of the 
store as well as the finer customers.  But first things first and 
finding Jay to keep him out of shit was first things first.  

He was just about to give up hope when he walked past the candy 
store.  It was one of those newer places that had gone up in the 
last couple years and carried every type of candy imaginable in bulk 
bins.  Get a pound of candy for like five bucks and walk out of the 
store with more candy than one needed.  The smell of cotton candy 
hit Silent Bob in the face first and when he stopped to look inside, 
at first, he saw only hordes of children and moms with exhausted 
expressions.  He heard several of them say, "Just pick something and 
let's go home!"  It was obvious that they were weary from the 
constant holiday shopping and having to deal with the snot monsters 
for hours on end now that school was out.  

He stepped into the shop, not really expecting to find Jay in 
there.  But when he passed one throng of rugrats, he heard: 

"Hey you little fuck!  That was my bag o' gummy bears!  Give that 
back!"  

He looked in the direction of the familiar foul mouth and saw a 
flash of golden hair just around the cash register on the other 
side.  

Bingo.  

A conservatively dressed soccer mom was busy pulling her 6-year-old 
daughter (complete with cute blonde ringlets and eyes wide with 
shock from being called a "little fuck") away from the obscenities 
as Bob made his way past them to the pale lanky, layer-clad asshole 
shaking his fist at several other kids.  Other moms were dragging 
their children toward the registers so that they could get out of 
the store and finally Bob was able to get close to his roommate.  
Close enough, especially, to see what he was being so defensive 
about.  

Jay had been busy filling up bags full of candy and they were all 
piling up on top of one of the lower bins while he put twist ties on 
all of them.  Kids had been sneaking up to them and trying to take 
the filled bags away from him.  And if there was one thing that 
Silent Bob had learned, it was don't take candy away from Jay.  The 
blond became extremely violent and seemed to suffer from temporary 
Tourettes (moreso than usual) and would strike out at whomever was 
stealing sweets from him.  Even little kids.  

Silent Bob tapped his lifemate on the shoulder and stood there 
patiently.  Jay came around swinging, expecting more kids.  The 
shorter man just held up a hand to catch the fist if necessary, but 
the sight of him immediately stilled the blond.  

"Where the fuck've you been, Lunchbox?  I've been having to defend 
my shit here all on my own and you ain't been anywhere near to 
help.  You lazy fuck."  

An arched eyebrow responded in lieu of a voice but made the point 
just as clearly as speaking.  

_Been looking for you, asshole._

"Damn...you been all over the mall looking for _me_?" Jay asked, 
touched and evidently calming down from the assault on his candy 
cache.  

Hands shoved into the pockets of his black trench and a nod of his 
head that said, _"Well, duh!"_

A wide grin that was all shades of happy spread across Jay's pale 
peaches face and his blue eyes twinkled with the mischief of an 
impish teen.  He hauled up his bags of candy and brandished them 
victoriously in front of Silent Bob's big brown eyes.  This was one 
of the reasons why he loved the blond ball of hyper energy.  Moments 
of youthful enthusiasm like this that cut through the jaded dealer 
exterior made Jay endearing.  

And cuddly.  

Silent Bob pointed to the cash register and then jerked his head 
toward the store's entrance.  It was time to go before they were 
thrown out because of his lifemate's outbursts.  Obediently, Jay 
nodded and started toward the counter just a few feet a way.  He put 
the bags up there and looked around as the cashier was weighing out 
the purchases.  Bob was still standing nearby, hands still shoved in 
his trench and watching as a few moms with kids filed out of the 
store while others went about buying copious amounts of sugar for 
their already hyper offspring.  It was when he'd turned his 
attention elsewhere that the blond imp found something else to cause 
trouble with. 

"Hey, Sil'nt Bob!" he called and his Muscle turned around to look at 
him.  

What Bob saw would have shocked anyone, not just the soccer moms in 
their plaid skirts and button up shirts that tie at the necks.  Both 
of his eyebrows shot up into his hairline and he thought for sure 
that they'd stay up there in hiding for the rest of his life.  

Jay stood there, hands holding up the bottom of his T-shirt to show 
off the crotch of his baggy pants.  The front tented out a good 
foot, which right there that should have tipped Bob off as being 
fake.  Something very hard was in Jay's pants giving him the 
appearance of a very well-endowed erection.  Silent Bob gulped and 
listened to the gasps of horror around them.  

Before anything could be said to avert this travesty, Jay reached 
around and grabbed a foot-long, two-inch thick peppermint stick, 
motioned to his crotch with the thing to imply that that's what was 
actually in his pants and then began using the stick in his hand 
like a microphone.  Silent Bob watched dumbfounded as Jay then 
danced around in a circle, singing _Hard Candy Christmas_ in a very 
off-key tone, making the former want to crawl out of the store to 
hide.  He fumbled through his trench and the pockets of his jeans 
and finally found two crumpled ten dollar bills and a wadded up 
five, which he shoved across the counter to the cashier.  The young 
girl was watching the dance in horror and it took Bob snapping his 
fingers in her face to get her attention back on the transaction.  
She handed him a receipt, he scooped up the bags of candy, shoved 
them into his pockets and then reached out and grabbed Jay by the 
arm.  

As he was dragging the blond out of the store, he wondered when the 
hell Jay had learned a Dolly Parton song.  It wasn't until they were 
outside the mall that Silent Bob allowed them to stop running and he 
bent over, almost collapsing, to try to catch his breath.  He was 
just straightening up when he heard Jay giggling behind him.  He 
spun around, ready to punch his lifemate, when he stopped short by 
what the blond was doing.  Jay still had the peppermint stuck in his 
pants and was busy mock-masturbating it.  

Another arched eyebrow and Jay cackled at it.  

"Hey, tubby...you wanna suck on my peppermint?"  

Silent Bob just smiled and held out his hand, calling the blond's 
bluff about the candy in his pants.  It was then that Jay grinned 
even wider and held up _both_ peppermint sticks in his right hand, 
the left one still around...

...brown eyes shot open even wider when he realized just what was in 
Jay's pants.  However, he was very happy to oblige the sweet and 
tempting offer.  

**Me, I'll be just

Fine and dandy
Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas.**