Title: Jay Baby Author: Kelandris the Mad Fandom: View Askewniverse Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob (sort of), Jay/blonde chippies (sort of) Rating: Songfic. Pretty much all implication and mirrors. PG-13. Some paraphernalia mentions, some pornography mentions. Nothing too over-the-top. Status: New Archive: Drop me a note and it's yours. And on that note... Feedback: kel@crazysheep.net Series/Sequels: Doesn't this just scream sequel? Hopefully without the annoying nameless twins? Disclaimers: All parts of my fannish being are enriched by the presence of Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes, Jason Lee, Ben Affleck, and all the merry characters at View Askew Productions (including their current master, Miramax,) save for that pesky financial part of my being, which receives no compensation whatsoever for these tawdry little tales. Notes: Sometimes characters attack you when you're not looking. This was supposed to go a *completely* different way. The aforementioned nameless twins interfered with that. Summary: Bob gets angry at Jay. Gee, like that's new. Warnings: Giggly twin action. Dante whining. That's about it. "Jay Baby" by Kelandris *sometimes I feel so happy, sometimes I feel so sad sometimes I feel so happy but mostly you just make me mad, baby, you just make me mad* Third time this fucking week and Bob was gritting his teeth. Didn't do the dishes last night and didn't do the dishes from the night before and now he walked out to a coffee table littered with everything from porn mags to bongs--*plural*--and at least a barrel's worth of empty bottles. He heard the slushy shuffling of Jay's big bare feet on the worn carpeting and turned, looking at him harshly. Jay rubbed sleep out of his eyes, standing there in a torn pair of cotton pajama bottoms. He rolled his head on his long neck, yawning, and cracked first one shoulder, then the other. Bob peered at him. His hair--was it--tangled? "Hey. You're home," he muttered. Bob nodded slowly. He indicated the table, and thumbed towards the kitchen. He shrugged, staring at the blond. Jay smiled sleepily. "Yeah. Big party last night. You shoulda been." Bob lowered his brows, projecting **And who was here, Jay?** as clear as bells. Jay winced. "Y'know, the usual... Jimi and Mick, and Sin and her crowd, and Tonio, and Brittany and what's-his-fuck, that English guy, and he brought someone, and there were some people who talked to some people..." Jay trailed off, swallowing. Bob just looked at him. **Not a brain in his head some days, but he is pretty,** he groused. *linger on your pale blue eyes linger on your pale blue eyes* Jay ruffled a hand through his head, walking over to Bob. He swayed his hips just seductively enough, Bob wondered if it was planned or unconscious. Turning his eyes away, he looked down at the table. He placed one finger on the top of the glass-and-chrome bong he didn't recognize. Thin glass and mirrors and interior chambers, and it must be all of three feet tall. He tilted it towards Jay, looking over his shoulder. "Yeah, Tonio brought that over. His new baby." **His new baby. Great.** He counted to ten, slowly, watching late afternoon sun drift through the blinds. Then he turned back to Jay, who was now ambling towards the shower. "You were planning on cleaning when?" he said softly. Jay stopped as if struck. *thought of you as my mountain top thought of you as my peak thought of you as everything I've had, but couldn't keep I've had, but couldn't keep* "Umm... I thought, I thought I'd do it later, y'know, `cos the party ran so late and all..." Jay trailed off again, swallowing. Bob rubbed his eyes. He wondered if it would be easier for him to clean the damn dishes, himself, and just let it go. Man, but Jay could get stubborn when he wanted to. Or stick-stupid at times-- there *was* a brain that worked in there, but Jay controlled its functioning with any number of chemicals poured into mouth and lungs and skin. A high-pitched giggle sounded from Jay's bedroom. Bob's eyes darkened to pools of non-reflective black. He turned towards Jay. **Slowly I turned, step by step...** Aloud, he said only, "Jay?" in a slight questioning tone. *linger on your pale blue eyes linger on your pale blue eyes* Jay glanced over his shoulder. "Uhh..." Slim, delicate hands wrapped around the half-open door, sliding it open further. Two blond heads poked around the edge, peering out, blinking at the light. Twin sets of dark eyes fastened on Jay. "Ooh, Jay baby, you're up," said one of them. "We thought--" "--you might have gone," finished the other. "We were afraid--" "--we wouldn't be able to say goodbye--" "--*properly*." They looked at each other, giggling again. Bob clenched his hands, his eyes widening just enough to send freshets of panic through Jay. Bob could see it in his sudden expression of absolute terror. "You know what?" he said, his voice high. "I think we're out of milk. And, um, beer. You should go get some at the Quick Stop, and I'll do the dishes while you're gone, and everything'll be clean when you get back. Clean, and neat, and, um, gone." *if I could make the world as pure and strange as what I see I'd put you in a mirror, I'd put in front of me I'd put in front of me* Bob stood for a moment, realizing two things: he'd brought home cereal, and if they truly didn't have milk, that was it for what he'd wanted for breakfast. And leaving now would mean not killing one blond idiot roommate. He looked at the twins, still smiling vacantly, barely nodded to them, and left, shrugging on the coat he'd removed when he'd arrived. One week, one week of working nights, and now Jay was a total shift. Never did much but dirty dishes--and how he kept going through that many dishes, it wasn't like there was much in the house right now but microwave burritos and Velveeta, mystified Bob--and play video games and watch porn. Well, he always watched a lot of porn, but he did household chores, too! And Bob wasn't his fucking father. He was getting sick of yelling at the boy to pick up, to clean the dishes, to clean the bathroom, to vacuum, to do any of a hundred little chores that Bob used to do but couldn't now. It wasn't fair. He shouldn't have to work *and* clean house too. And where the hell had Jay found twins? Especially twins with fewer brains than he had?? *linger on your pale blue eyes linger on your pale blue eyes* Walking into the Quick Stop, he realized that was the part that was really bugging him. The fact that he'd brought someone home, kept them overnight, instead of some quick blow in some back alley... that could mean serious. That could mean relationship. "But I'm not even supposed to *be* here today!" wailed the man behind the counter, and Bob shook his head, feeling for the guy. Poor Dante. No relief in sight. He grabbed milk, and cheese, and a six- pack of something drinkable. Tossed in a loaf of bread and some Twinkies and a pack of smokes at the counter, forked over a twenty and waited for change. Dante pried the phone away from his ear for a moment. "Register's broken." Bob's eyes bugged out. "You gonna close?" Dante blinked at Silent Bob speaking aloud. But he shook his head, sighing. "If only. " Bob looked down, then looked up, shrugging. "Keep it," he said, and leaned over the counter, grabbing a bag. He piled his purchases inside, waved to a perplexed Dante, and walked out of the store. *skip a life completely, stuff it in a cup She said: Money is like us in time, it lies, but can't stand up dawn for you is up* By the time he got back, he heard the vacuum going. His eyebrows lifted, and he opened the door quietly. Good news and bad news. The kitchen was in the process of being cleaned, and Jay was vacuuming the carpet. But the dishes were being cleaned by two giggling blond girls, and if possible, the coffee table had even *more* paraphernalia of one sort or another on it. He sighed, walked in with the goods. Jay looked up, hearing him dimly through the vacuum's roar. He was dressed, and looked freshly scrubbed, his hair combed and plaited, of all things, and his expression anxious. "Bob! Hey! I thought you'd be back... okay, less soon than now." Bob shrugged, walking into the kitchen. He put cold things in cold thing places, and indifferent things on the counter, and snagged a cup from the cupboard, pulling down the coffee at the same time. He pulled a filter and had emptied the old grounds into the kitchen trash before he realized the girls were staring at him. "Jay baby, *very* naughty of you--" "--not to tell us how *cute* your roommate is!" "Hey," Jay said, coming up behind Bob. He wrapped a hand around Bob's waist, and Bob inhaled sharply. "Back off, this's *my* man." "Oooh," said one. "Can we--" "--watch?" Their eyes sparkled like the night sky, and Bob swallowed, turning towards Jay. **Just focus on Jay. Just focus on Jay. Just...** One of the girls was touching his leg. He cracked his neck, wondering if it was too early to go into work. *linger on your pale blue eyes linger on your pale blue eyes* END (Song excerpted from Lou Reed's "Pale Blue Eyes") ***** Kelandris the Mad sliding between the dreams of sleep