Title: Me In Honey
Author: Luna "Tic" Vee
Feedback: Druidess@msn.com
Rating: R for language and vague sexual description
Disclaimer: I own diddly squat. Jay and Silent Bob are property of
Kevin Smith, View Askew, Miramax, and the Martians that live in
Scott Mosier's left ear.
Series/Sequel: One shot. *blammo*
Archive: Ja!
Songfic: Oh yes.
Warning: Poorly used song lyrics. I don't care. I like how I used
them. Also, I didn't use the whole song. I stopped at a point. It 
was
irrelevant after a point. Smart!Jay Rambling!Jay Cheesy ending. 
Not spellchecked! Jay-speak is impossible to wade through when
spellchecking. >.< Sorry, folks.
Summary: Jay tells about his and Bob's first real kiss and fuck.
Notes: I love writing Jay! He fun. XD This is, of course, to "Me In
Honey" by R.E.M. I'm on a real R.E.M. kick as of late. Squee!
***

*I sat there looking ugly
Looking ugly and mean
I knew what you were saying
You were saying to me*

"Nothin'..." I said. First thing I'd said all fuckin' day. I was 
too busy
thinkin' `bout shit to worry `bout flappin' my gums. Too busy
wonderin' what the fuck was wrong wit' me. Sittin' there lookin all
pissy `n' shit... I prolly looked like I was fuckin' mad at the 
world. Like
the fuckin' universe'd suddenly and collectively given me a wedgie. 
...wedgie. Ow.

The tubby fucker raises his eyebrow at me. Bitch always does that. 
Instead of comin' right out an' sayin' it, he just gives me that 
fuckin'
"What's wrong, Jay" look. I fuckin' hate that look. Cause right 
after it,
`f I don't say nothin' he gets this whole look on his face like he's 
the
fuckin' source of all the world's problems or some shit. I knows he's
just worried `bout me an' shit, but I hate seein' him get that guilty 
look. 
Breaks my fuckin' heart an' shit. Nothin' worse than seein' a fuckin'
fat man bein' all sad.

*Baby's got some new rules
Baby said she's had it with me*

Then he gives me this fuckin' "are you alright?" look, followed by the
classic "you can tell me". Fucker. He's my boy `n shit, but he's
always all up in my fuckin' business. Wonderin' if I'm eatin' right, 
if
I'm bein' careful with the chicks I bring home, if I'm sick, if I'm 
sad... 

An' right now he ain't sure what to think. `Cause I's thinkin', and
that's sorta unusual for me, `least around him. Oh, he dunno it, but
I's smarter than I act. I ain't a total moron. I just don't know any
better. So he thinks. I just like to keep him on his toes. He's 
all cute
`n shit when he's all exasperated with how I act. Yeah, I know big
words. Just dun like to use `em. That one fit, though. Heh.

*It seems a shame you waste your time on me
It seems a lot to waste your time for me*

I still dunno what makes him stay here with me. I treat the fucker 
like
shit on a biscuit, and still, he's right here, by my side, as fuckin'
always. Maybe he's just all co-dependent `n shit. Maybe he needs
someone to hang out with. Maybe...he...

*Left me to love
What it's doing to me*

Yeah, maybe he loves me. Maybe. Fuckin' lord knows it's prolly the
only reason he sticks by me. Know what's sad though? I love the
tubby fucker too. Problem is, I dunno what to do about it! I have a
rep to keep up, and besides, look at all the shit runnin' out my mouth
half the time! I'm a fuckin' poster boy for homophobes! If it 
weren't
so... unacceptable to most folk, I wouldn't have to do that poser 
shit.

Besides, what if he don't love me? What if he don't like guys? What
the fuck do I do if he decides to dump my skinny white ass because I
grossed him out by fallin' for him `n shit! Then what do I do? What
the fuck do I do? I'll be Jay The Faggot, and there's no way I'll be
able to survive on my own without my muscle with me, specially if I'm
outed to all the intolerant fucks `round here.

New Jersey, where the weak are killed and eaten.

I'm sick of this `round in circles shit. Maybe he loves me back. 
Maybe he don't. Maybe I'm just fuckin' dreaming. Maybe we're all
actually penguins, and our conciousnesses are hooked up to
computers like a fuckin' pseudo-Matrix thingamabob. Fuck if I know. 
But I'm sick of mulling this shit over. How many years has it been? 
I
dunno, and I dun fuckin' care anymore...

*There's a lot of honey in this world
Baby this honey's from me*

I slink on over to the tubby fucker. He's watchin' TV, all 
unsuspecting
an' shit. Pull myself into his lap. He ain't sure what to think 
then. His
eyes go all wide when I wiggle my ass in his lap. Fuckin' pupils
dialate. Oh? What's this now? Mmm...I may be right afterall...

I plant one on him. And fuck, if his lips ain't softer than any part 
of
any chick I've ever touched. And I've touched every part of almost
every chick in the tri-county area. Fuck, maybe even the tri-state
area. Anyway, to my surprise, the fucker, after gettin' over being
stunned as all fuck, he slides his arms around me. He kisses me
back, and I let my tongue do the talkin'. Ooh yeah. And lemme tell
ya, his mouth tastes fuckin' sweeter than any honey.

*You've got to do what you do
Do it with me
It seems a shame you waste your time for me*

We break the kiss an' catch our breath.

"Jay?" the tubby fuck finally speaks. First thing he said in a week,
and it's my name. And holy fuck, if it didn't make me hard in less
than a fuckin' second. Something about the breathy way he said it...

*Left me to love
What it's doing to me*

"Lunchbox... I love you," an' that was the last thing I said for 
about
twenty minutes. Fucker clamps his lips back down on mine and
shoves me down on the couch. I'd've bitched bout his fat ass
crushing me an' bruising my arms in his grip, but at that point, I 
din't
give a fuck anymore. Grinded up against him and watched his pupils
take up his whole eyes. Fuckin' sexy as all hell.

*Knocked silly
Knocked flat
Sideways down
These things they pick you up
Turn you around*

After that, well, it didn't take fuckin' long for us to get naked and
somehow find our way to his room, despite the fact that our tongues
never left eachothers' mouths.

A little bit of stretching, a lotta bit of lube, and too much shoving 
me
into the mattress later, he'd nailed my ass to the bed and left me
moaning for more. Fucker's got a leathal weapon between his fuckin'
legs. An' I hope he shoots me in the ass with it as often as 
possible. 
Fuckin' turned my spine to lava. I couldn't do much more with my
lower body `sides twitch for at least a fuckin' hour. Now THAT's sex!

*Say your piece
Say you're sweet for me
It's all the same to share the pain with me
It's all the same
Save the shame for me*

"I love you, Jay," he purrs as he wraps his arms around me. I never
realized how strong he was until I felt his strong arms hold me 
close. 
Made me feel more secure than I ever did in my life. Best feeling in
the world, aside from the feeling of him slamming into my ass, of
course.

"I love you too, Lunchbox." I dunno what's wrong with the both of 
us. 
We's two of the most screwed up fuckers you'll ever meet, but
together, we're perfect. I may be some type of spazzy screw-up, but
he don't care. He thinks I'm beautiful. And he thinks I'm perfect.

He might be a silent fucker who needs to learn to project his deeper
feelings better, but it don't matter. Cause he's perfect, too. An' I
couldn't love him more.

Funny thing is, we were too busy feelin' sorry for ourselves all this
time to realize how perfect we are.

I guess we really are fucked up.

*Left me to love
What it's doing to me*

***

Told you it was badly used lyrics! ^^ But some worked so well. I 
don't really care. I got to do Jay first person! WOO! *dances*

Hugging Her Jay Muse
~Luna