Title: The Mysterious Overlord of Kisses
Author: Nyghtshayde
Fandom: View Askew
Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob
Rating:  PG-13 for language mostly.  
Summary:  Bob plans the Kiss of the Season in a sneaky way.  
Archive: Yes please, if you tell me where it is.  
E-mail: Nyghtshayde9@yahoo.com
Series/Sequel: This may actually be the sequel.
Disclaimer:  The characters belong to Kevin Smith who, I'm sure, is 
the original Mysterious Overlord of Kisses.  I don't get anything 
for putting his characters into compromising positions other than 
the satisfaction of nudging them in this direction.  Oh and I got 
the title from Kel.  
Warnings: Cuteness, as usual.  Sneaky kisses.  The overuse of bells 
on Silent Bob.  Mismatched shoes.  Mistletoe in obscene places.  
Notes: This wasn't the original direction this was going to go.  I 
had something else in mind for the title, but this one jumped into 
my head first.  I may have to go back and do the first idea later, 
which may actually be the origin of the title, with this being the 
sequel.  But for now, this Christmas one is for the # Race.  I hope 
it suffices.  

The Mysterious Overlord of Kisses

He snuck around the apartment as quietly as he could.  Given his 
normal moniker, silence was what he was best at.  He donned his 
normal black trench, only he added a few extras for the holiday.  A 
red and green velvet bow pinned to the left lapel and as soon as he 
got out of the apartment, he'd attach the strings of bells.  He just 
didn't want to alert his sleeping roommate as to what he was doing 
until he was ready to.  The last thing he grabbed was an old Santa 
hat that he'd had for years.  Since he was heavy, he'd always been 
the one to volunteer over the last few years at one of the shelters 
to play Santa.  So it was something he kept around for the 
holidays...and it would work perfect for his plans.  

Before he left the apartment, he scrawled out a note to his 
roommate, stuck it to the front door with a piece of chewing gum and 
then disappeared out the door.  Silent Bob whistled an upbeat 
Christmas tune as he bounded down the stairs and down the street.  

*--------------------------------------*

When Jay woke up and stumbled from his bedroom, he found himself 
alone in the apartment.  He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and 
wandered around, a sad sight of a pale waif in flannel boxers with 
candy canes on them, long honey-colored hair rat-nesting over bare 
shoulders that looked too bony to be healthy.  

"Hey fucker!  Where the fuck are you?" he called out, voice graveled 
still from a night of beer and pot.  Jay shivered as he went from 
room to room looking for his roommate.  Goddamn, you tubby bitch," 
he mumbled, starting back across the livingroom toward his bedroom.  
He kept talking to himself, complaining.  "Think you can just up and 
fuck off while I'm sleepin'."  He was half way to his bedroom when 
he noticed something bright pink on the front door.  Stumbling over 
to it, trying not to trip over the various junk on the floor, Jay 
reached out for the index card that had been stuck there.  He yanked 
it down and read the Bob-scrawl in permanent marker across the 
card.  

_See you at Holden's party around 7pm.  You'd better show up. -S.B._

Shit.  Jay looked over at the clock and saw that it was almost 2pm.  
Where the hell could the fat fuck have gone?  There was no reason to 
show up to Holden's this early when that sappy motherfucker would 
probably still be pouring over his stupid comics.  He dropped the 
note on the floor among all the other trash that was collecting 
there.  He looked up at the window on the opposite wall and his blue 
eyes suddenly glinted with mischief in the winter sunlight that 
poured through.  

"Sneakin' out my ass, Tons.  I'm gonna be there and ain't you gonna 
be fuckin' surprised?"  Jay let out a deranged giggle as he ran into 
his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him.  

*------------------------------------------*

The party was well underway and Silent Bob moved around the people 
with a grace that was uncommon for someone his size and shape.  
Occasionally, he'd stop among a set of folks that he knew, nodding 
through the conversations, drinking from his beer, smoking his 
Nails.  But mostly he kept an eye on the door, watching for a 
particular blond whom he wanted to surprise.  _Jay better damn well 
show up_, Bob thought to himself, swallowing the last of the beer in 
his current bottle.  He was on his way to the kitchen to throw away 
the glass remains and got cornered by Holden.  

"What's the deal with the get-up, Silent Bob?  You moonlighting as 
Father Christmas later on tonight?"  

Bob looked down at himself and wondered why the clean-cut comic-
writer was giving him shit.  He was festive enough.  It was a 
festive party.  There were a lot of people dressed up Christmas-y.  
Tonight, Bob had donned a pair of black jeans, a T-shirt with a 
reindeer with a light-up red nose (it had been blinking on and off 
all night since he'd replaced the battery from last year) and his 
typical black trench complete with the ornaments from earlier.  He'd 
decided to be creative and had bought two pairs of Converse high-
tops last month: a red pair and a green pair, only tonight, he'd 
decided to wear one of each, the red being on his left foot and the 
green on his right.  He'd laced them up at the bus stop with bells 
through the laces so that he jingled whenever he walked.  It was 
infectious as best, annoying at worst, but Silent Bob loved 
Christmas.  It was a time he could put down his fists and bring out 
his smile a little more and no one generally thought the worst of 
it.  Even Jay would mellow out at Christmas, but then that's usually 
because he got presents and presents meant toys, movies and other 
things to keep his kid-at-heart self occupied for hours on end.  At 
least, till the day wound down and Silent Bob ushered him into one 
of the two rooms in the apartment for some down time...or would what 
they did together at that point be considered _up time_?  

Looking back up at Holden, he gave a patented shrug and lit another 
cigarette after dropping the empty beer bottle into the trash.  He 
didn't wait to see if Holden was going to push the subject and just 
walked back into the livingroom where the crowd just seemed to have 
gotten bigger.  There were a lot more people he didn't know at this 
point, and Silent Bob usually knew everyone.  Ah well...so the host 
was getting out a little more finally and not pining away to 
nothing.  Stepping into the throngs of people, Bob was making his 
way back to the food table when he heard a familiar voice.  It was 
coming from over by the food just beyond two groups of partiers.  
Great...now it was time to be sneaky.  He grinned, adjusted his 
trench and then stepped silently through the crowds of people, not 
even paying attention to them anymore.  He had a goal in mind.  

Sure enough, by the buffet was Jay.  The boy was layered like 
always: blue jeans sunk down just enough on his hips to show off the 
waistband of his Christmas boxers.  They were the ones that Bob'd 
got him at the beginning of the season...the ones with the snowmen.  
Jay had on a long-sleeved knit shirt underneath a baggy red T-shirt 
and his feet were covered by reindeer socks and sneakers.  Bob 
grinned to himself and put out the cigarette he'd just lit in an 
ashtray someone else was holding, barely nodding to acknowledge the 
person.  He straightened his trench and snuck up on his roommate 
with the stealth of an alley cat.  He adjusted the top of his Santa 
hat, on which was tied a knot of real mistletoe.  Silent Bob 
intended to use that as a ploy to force Jay into kissing him in 
front of all these people, most of whom had no idea just what their 
relationship was.  He stopped just behind the blond and was just 
about to tap him on the shoulder...

...when Jay spun around, grinning from ear to ear at his lifemate.  
Just as Silent Bob started to point to the mistletoe, Jay cackled, 
causing several people, including Bob himself, to jump.  Startled at 
the outburst.  

"You silly fat fuck!  You thought you could do that sneaky kiss 
thing on me again after last time?  Hah!"  He was enjoying the wide 
stare of those doe-brown saucers and he just smiled even more 
smugly.  Silent Bob opened his mouth to say something, _actually 
speak_, when Jay motioned with both hands down to his crotch.  Eyes 
followed downward and saw tied to the top of the zipper a bundle of 
mistletoe similar to the one that was attached to his Santa hat.  
Silent Bob felt a flush of heat travel from the base of his neck to 
the tops of his cheekbones and he snuck a glance to everyone else to 
see if they noticed his surprise.  But Jay wasn't done with his fun 
yet.  He threw out, "Yeah, you tubby bitch, I beatchya to it this 
time.  Who's the Mysterious Overlord of Kisses now?"  He cackled 
again, still pointing to his crotch and the clear "Kiss this" 
invitation of the mistletoe.  

Silent Bob finally responded by raising an eyebrow in interest.  He 
looked at a young man standing next to them..._Christ, he looks like 
one of the Hicks clan_...who was staring in shock at the antics of 
the two men.  Bob just shrugged at him, reached up and grabbed a 
fistful of Jay's red T-shirt and dragged him off through the crowd 
toward the bedroom.  

_A tradition is a tradition, after all._


------------------
Fuck.  This is definitely the sequel.  And now I have to write the 
first part.  

****************************************
There...minor corrections made.  *g*  

~~Nyghtshayde
*running on candy*