Title: "Night Shift" Author: Katherine F. Fandom: Clerks/Dogma Rating: PG? Maybe PG-13 for bad language. Spoilers: for all four of Kevin Smith's films and all the associated comics. Disclaimer: They're all Kevin's. Lucky, lucky Kevin... Archive: yes. Summary: Randal tells Dante about a strange conversation he overheard when covering for him one night at the Quick Stop. Notes: My love affair with Kevin Smith's universe began late one night when I came home from a night club still wired and found that my brother had rented Clerks from our local video store. I popped it in the VCR, watched it, loved it -- and thought "Randal and Dante are *so* in love. And who the hell does that Jay guy think he's kidding?" So this is almost as much a Clerks story as it is a Dogma story, but it's all the same universe anyway. "Night Shift" by Katherine F. Randal looked up from his porno mag. Dante was coming in, looking as resigned and despondent as ever. He shook his head. That poor guy was never going to learn. "So, what'd she say?" he said when what he considered to be a decent interval had passed. "Nothing. She wouldn't even talk to me. She wouldn't even let me in!" "She didn't even yell at you?" "She didn't even look at me from the window!" "That's harsh." Randal shrugged and mentally chalked one up to himself. Dante didn't know that Randal had let Girlfriend #12 know, in a casual way, just as it came up in conversation, that Dante had tried to "cane" Caitlin Bree when she was still catatonic. (He hadn't told her that it had been his idea.) Girlfriend #12 had not been too pleased by this news, had in fact considered it symptomatic of a dangerous mental disorder on Dante's part, although Randal had played it down a little when he realised how seriously she took it. He didn't want to get Dante *committed*, after all. Quite the opposite, in fact. He wanted Dante to remain a free agent, so that, one of these days, when he was quite sure that the time was ripe, Randal could sit him down and talk to him. *Really* talk to him. Just like Tricia had said he should. But the time was not ripe. Of that, Randal was almost completely certain. It just wasn't fair to drop that kind of bombshell on Dante when he was suffering the aftermath of a horrible breakup. Not that he hadn't done that kind of thing to girls before, but those girls had always been transient figures, like the new characters in a detective series who were always dead or gone by the end of the episode. Not like Dante. Dante deserved better. Better than him, really. But he wasn't going to think about that. He put the porno mag back on the shelf, next to Vogue, and turned back to face Dante, who was brooding in silence. "You wanna hear something weird?" "Not really." "Oh, you do. It's this thing that happened tonight when you were gone. These customers that came in..." /// The woman came in first, looking around as if this boilerplate convenience store was a miraculous place, an Aladdin's cave full of treasure. She smiled and shook herself all over, then rubbed her stomach meditatively, then turned to the (open) door and yelled, "Are you guys coming in or what?" Whoever the "guys" were, they seemed reluctant to follow her. Randal could hear a male voice speaking outside, not loud enough for him to distinguish words. "Don't be an idiot. Just come in and get some food and we'll think about it later." Another response from outside, this one longer. The woman made a growling noise in the back of her throat, left the store and came back in, dragging that drug-dealer Jay in by the collar. Silent Bob followed, more sedately and less reluctantly. /// "Jay and Silent Bob? They haven't been in the store for ages," said Dante. "I know," said Randal. "I was beginning to think I'd scared them off for good when they came in." /// Jay immediately slunk away down one of the aisles, Silent Bob following. The woman came up to the counter and stared at the magazines for a moment before looking intently at Randal. She was, he guessed, somewhere in her thirties, good-looking, with dark hair and a sort of happy I-love-the-world air that usually connoted drug use. She nodded after a moment and smiled. "Could I have a pack of cigarettes?" she said. "Actually, no, I shouldn't be smoking. Do you have any ice cream?" Randal blinked, stared at her for just long enough to let her know how stupid a question that was, then pointed silently to the freezer. She smiled again and shook her head. "Sorry. Stupid question. I know. But I've just had one hell of a day, really. You would not *believe* what a day I've had." She stood there for a moment, her eyes staring off into space. "You know, it's such a cliche, but I actually really feel like pickles right now. Do you have any pickles?" "No," said Randal, flicking through an official Star Wars magazine. Christ, Lucas had no soul. The Queen Amidala coffee mugs he could just about stomach, but the Darth Maul backpacks? They were positively criminal. "But," he added, since the woman was still standing there, "we do have jars full of miniature green dildos. Maybe they're edible." He heard a snicker from behind the comic stand. That would be Jay. Asshole. The woman frowned for a moment before bursting into hysterical giggles. "Jeez," he said once she'd calmed down, "it wasn't *that* funny." "I know," she said, wiping a tear from her eye, "but, like I said, I've just had a hell of a day...I nearly died, you know? And I just found out I'm pregnant. Isn't that great?" "Depends on your stance on overpopulation." She nodded. "I guess so. But this is the only kid I'm ever going to have, so it's not like I'm some kind of breeding machine or something. I mean, I used to work in an abortion clinic, so, trust me, I know from responsible parenthood." "Personally I could never bring a child into a world where George Lucas makes more money *after* he sold his soul than before." "Dude, you are *so* full of shit your mama should just flush you down the toilet!" That was Jay. Oh joy, thought Randal, as the overgrown toddler burst out from behind the salted snacks. He looked unusually sober, which wasn't saying much. "Man, I am sick to death of all these motherfucks going on about how shitty The Phantom Menace was! I mean, how blind do you have to be to not like that movie? That movie's got better effects than the original three movies put together, *plus* The Matrix! Not to mention that badass Darth Maul for a villain. Man, that motherfucker makes Vader look weak!" "Are you *kidding*?" Randal sneered. "Vader could kick Maul's ass without breaking a sweat. Look at that light-saber battle. I mean, sure, he killed Qui-Gon Jinn, but when Kenobi got up out of the tunnel he just *stood* there. Didn't push him down, didn't fight back, just let himself get turned into barbecue. What the hell kind of villain is that?" /// Dante interrupted. "Fascinating as I find your obsession with the Star Wars movies and all the attendent phenomena," he said, "I think we can take the rest of this conversation as read." "Well, you're missing out," said Randal. "I really slayed him on the racism card. Dude gave up the case faster than Walt Flanagan's dog." "Anyway, what was this supposedly interesting weird thing that happened? I presume it wasn't you winning an argument with Jay, since Jay's hardly New Jersey's answer to Socrates." "No," said Randal, "it was what happened afterwards." /// Jay was looking stumped and angry, as if he knew he was beaten but at some level refused to accept that it was even possible. Randal could feel the tension in the store cranking up a notch. He'd never actually tried to throw a customer out physically; he was no muscle man -- hell, his idea of health food was coffee with one sugar instead of two. Vitriol, sarcasm, and general unpleasantness was usually enough. Jay would not be so easily put off, however; the two of them had a long-standing feud the origins of which Randal no longer remembered. Mere snarkiness had no effect on Jay. Fortunately, Silent Bob stepped in before Jay could get nasty, tapping him on the shoulder and pointing out the new magazines on the top shelf. The latest edition of Adult Video News caught Jay's eye, and he immediately picked it up and started riffling through it. Randal mentally heaved a sigh of relief. Jay was a skinny little thing, but if Bob had backed him up, he would have had a snowball's chance in Hell of coming out with his vital organs intact. The woman came up to the counter again and dropped a motley pile of groceries on that part of the counter not occupied by Randal. "How much?" she said. Randal eyed her purchases, then nodded at Jay and Silent Bob. "Aren't you going to wait for them?" She glanced over at the undynamic duo, rolled her eyes, and said "I do want to get out of here before Hell freezes...I mean, before I die of old age." Randal slid down behind the counter and stretched, slowly, before he started adding up the prices, even more slowly. Despite what she had said, the woman seemed not to be in a hurry. Certainly she didn't complain or twitch or fidget the way people usually did when he used his Larry The Idiot Manchild routine; in fact, she got a dreamy look in her eyes and alternated soft giggles with head-shaking, as if she was reliving a dream that had been partly nice and partly nightmarish. "Ten ninety-eight," he said to her when he had finished. He could hear the sound of a candy wrapper going *crinklecrinklecrinkle*. Jay was shoplifting again. Well, good luck to him. It wasn't Randal's money. The woman was just fumbling in her pocket for the money when the crinkling sound stopped, and Jay yelled out "You bastard!" Randal looked up idly, expecting to see that Silent Bob had taken Jay's magazine or something, and saw something he'd never thought he'd see: two really quite buff and well-built guys *cowering* before Jay and Silent Bob, whose fists were drawn up and ready for a fight. The woman's head had whipped round when she heard Jay's shout. She stalked over to the new arrivals, stopping fist-swing distance from the taller one (who bore a striking resemblance to Holden "Bluntman and Chronic" McNeil). "What the *hell* are you doing here?" she spat at them. "Shouldn't you be somewhere else? Like, say...HELL?" The guy shrank back from her, grabbing hold of his companion for support. "Listen, Bethany, I know you're angry..." "Damn right I'm angry! You tried to kill me! Fuck, you tried to *end* *existence*! You think I'm not going to be just a little bit pissed off?" "I know! And I understand, believe me, but I'm not who I was!" Jay snorted. "That's the lamest excuse for an excuse I ever heard. C'mon, Silent Bob, let's take these motherfuckers out!" "No!" said Bethany, holding up her hand. Jay hesitated, then backed down. "Tell me," said Bethany, moving closer, but still far enough away to duck back if the guy made any sudden moves, "just exactly what *are* you two doing here? Because I distinctly remember seeing you die. Both of you." "It's complicated," said the guy, who added hurriedly when Jay resumed the fighting stance, "but in a nutshell, we were forgiven and brought back so that we could look after you. And the baby." "Repentence," said the other newcomer, shrugging. "It's a powerful thing. I think I understand now why we spent so long in exile. We were never sorry for what we did. Not the way we were today." He lapsed into silence. "I don't need looking after," said Bethany. "And if I did, I have the Prophets." "The Prophets?" said the tall guy, waving a hand at Jay and Bob. "These two? What good are they?" Jay gave off this weird growling sound, like he wanted to yell but couldn't think what to yell first. Bethany gave him a look and he subsided. "They saved me from you, didn't they?" she said. "I know they're not exactly rocket scientists," she went on, ignoring Jay's indignant yelp, "but they're loyal and brave, and I know whose side they're on." "But they're not what you need now. Their task was to help you stop us from destroying everything, and that's done. It's time for them to return to their old lives. You have something more to do, and you're going to need us. That's why God sent us here." Bethany hesitated, then turned to the shorter one. "Loki, is this true? Did God send you?" Loki looked up and nodded shyly, not quite meeting her eyes. "Yes. She gave us a chance to redeem ourselves." He looked down and whispered so softly that Randal almost didn't catch it, "I'm sorry." Bethany looked at the other one, whose face was similarly downcast. "I'm sorry," he said. "There is no excuse for what I did. I...I'm sorry." As one man they dropped to their knees before her, while Jay, Bob, and Randal looked on with fallen jaws. "Will you forgive us?" said Loki. The silence that ensued was as thick as molasses. Bethany stepped back, then forward again. She shook her head several times, as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing, then, finally, nodded. The two kneeling men sagged in relief, and smiles broke out on their faces that were...Randal had never thought the word "beatific" had meant anything beyond being a fancy word for "patronizing", but he could see, now, what it really meant. "That doesn't mean I trust you," she said, and a shadow fell over their faces. "I may be the Last Scion, but I'm just a human being. I don't want two angels who tried to kill me hanging around, even if you have gone through some cosmic change of heart." "But we're human now! God sent us back as humans!" said Loki earnestly. "We can prove it to you -- " "Not here!" Bethany said sharply as they rose to their feet. She turned around and suddenly seemed to remember that Randal existed. "Um..." she said. "Do you have a bathroom we can use?" Randal knew that, under normal circumstances, he would have had a field day with that comment. As it was, he just pointed silently to the back and mumbled something about the lights not working. With Bethany and the other two gone, Randal found himself staring at Jay and Silent Bob. "What ya staring at, you cocksmoking clerk?" said Jay after a moment. "Correct me if I'm wrong here, but didn't that woman just say that those two guys used to be angels?" "Yeah. You deaf or something? They're Bartleby and Loki, man, fallen angels of death and destruction. Least, they were. Guess they're just regular people now." "So that stuff about being sent by God -- was that true?" "Who the fuck knows? Those guys, they tried to end existence. If I was her I'd stick 'em with a Swiss Army knife soon as their backs were turned. Nooch." Bob seemed to disapprove of that. He gave Jay a very eloquent look, which made him shrug uncomfortably and mutter "Motherfuckers deserve it, you ask me..." Randal shook his head. Weirdness he could handle, but this went beyond mere weirdness. This was into the realm of insanity. "So what about that 'Last Scion' thing? What does that mean?" "She's the only living descendent of Jesus Christ," said Bob reverently. Randal started. He had never heard Bob speak before. "Jesus had *kids*?" "No, but he had brothers and sisters. Bethany is descended from them." Bob *looked* at Jay, as if daring him to make a smartass remark, which he didn't. Bob went on, "She's not really the Last Scion any more, though, not now she's pregnant." "Okay, so let's just go over this one more time: The only living descendent of Jesus Christ and two fallen angels -- oh, I'm sorry, *former* fallen angels -- have just gone into the bathroom of this very Quick Stop?" Jay and Bob nodded. "Why?" Jay looked at Bob. Bob shrugged. Jay made the "idunno" noise. At that point, Bethany and the angels -- former angels -- came back. Bartleby and Loki looked embarrassed. Bethany didn't. "I don't know why you're so uptight about it," she said, a small smile playing on her lips. "It's a perfectly normal bodily function." "That's easy for you to say. You've lived in a human body all your life. We're more used to wings," said Bartleby. "And no genitals," added Loki, earning himself a glare from Bartleby. "OK," said Bethany, "so you're on the level. What do we do now?" "I suggest you pay for your purchases," said Bartleby. "We have some serious talking to do about your future." "And these two?" She gestured towards Jay and Bob. Loki smiled. "I got special instructions about them." Bartleby frowned. "Wait, God didn't say anything to us about -- " "Not God. Rufus." Loki strode over to where Jay and Bob were standing and whispered something in Bob's ear. Bob blinked, then broke out into an I-just-won-the-lottery smile while Jay darted suspicious glances from Loki to Bartleby to Bob. Loki smiled back, nodded, and walked over to Bethany. "They'll be OK. Come on, we've got some talking to do." Bethany looked at the counter with the random groceries piled on top of it and sighed. "I'm not hungry any more. Let's go. Sorry," she added to Randal. Randal shrugged. "'S not my store, lady. Just put a word in for me with God next time you see him." "Her." "Whatever." "I'll see what I can do." She smiled at him, and he felt suddenly warm inside, even though he wasn't at all sure that he believed in God, or Jesus, or angels. Then she was gone, the two "angels" following her, and Jay was about to leave as well when Bob grabbed his shoulder to stop him. Jay protested, but Bob shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak, then thought better of it and whispered in Jay's ear. Jay stiffened, then, looking at Bob's face, broke out into the mirror image of Bob's I-just- won-the-lottery smile. "Dude," he said, "you never told me!" Bob dipped his head to one side, shamefaced. Jay looked like he wanted to argue, but he thought better of it and wrapped his arms around Bob, dipping his face into the crook of his neck. /// "*What*?!" yelped Dante. "Jay and Silent Bob were...making out?" "That's a slight exaggeration, but essentially, yes." "Jesus Christ." "I find it very fascinating that of all the bizarre incidents I've just related to you, *that's* the one you choose to comment on. Doesn't that whole last-living-descendent-of-Jesus thing even mildly interest you?" "Randal, when you were eight you said that Herbie Goes Bananas was about anti-Semitism -- " "Which it was." " -- and last Christmas you maintained with worrying zeal that the apartment between this store and the video store was being rented by Santa Claus and his elves -- " "Which it was." " -- so it's possible for me to dismiss such an apparently implausible story out of hand. But no flight of fancy on your part could possibly have come up with the mental image of Jay and Silent Bob making out." "So, in words of one syllable...?" "You couldn't have made it up, so it must be true." "Unshakeable logic, my friend." "So what happened next?" "We went to the bathroom and had a threesome." "What?!" Damn, Dante was cute when he was shocked. "No, I lie, they just left the store with their arms around each other. It was almost sweet, in a weird Bizarro-world kind of way." "Jesus Christ." "You said that already." "I think it needed saying. Both times." Dante looked at his watch, then at the door. "It's closing time. You want a ride?" "Thanks." Randal hummed to himself as he and Dante locked up, catching furtive glances of his best friend, wondering when the time would finally be ripe. Wondering what, exactly, the fallen angel had whispered in Bob's ear, and whether Bethany really *would* put a word in for him with God. Sometimes he really felt like he needed it. [end]