Title: Perennial as the Mutherfuckin' Grass (Thinking of You Remix)
Author: Mercury Starlight
Pairing: J/SB
Archive: Remix challenge, J/SB archive, ask otherwise
Rating: R (language)
Spoilers: none for the Askewniverse, definate for Sweeney Todd
Disclaimer: If you sue me I'll cry. You don't want me to cry do you?
Summary: Musicals about murderous cannibalism remind Jay of Silent Bob. Go figure.
Notes: Well, I did the best I could, having never seen Sweeney Todd before reading the original, and only having access to the Doogie version afterwards. ^_^ Also, I took some liberties with details from the original. *grin* This is nowhere near as good as Rebecca's, and the ending is quite weak. Also this is almost a week late. I suck. Yay!

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~Thinking of You~

His shirt had been off since 9 in the morning. He managed to make it most of the way back to the apartment without stripping to his boxers, leaving Tubby to hold his clothes while he slinked, quickly, toward the front door.

"Home sweet home, our palace of ice! Feel that fresh breeze, Lunchbox."

Bob grinned as he followed Jay in, savoring the air conditioning for a moment before continuing on. They both headed straight for the fridge...which was empty.

"Well holy fuck, looks like we spent nine hours in front of the Quik-Stop and didn't buy anything. How the fuck do you like that? I thought I said before we left this morning I wanted some Tiger Tails!" Jay glared at Silent Bob as if it were all his fault. After all, how the fuck was he supposed to remember to get groceries? That was Lunchbox's job, remembering the responsible shit.

Silent Bob just shrugged and gave Jay a "Not my fault" look, then headed straight for his comics. Jay considered bawling him out for his rude behavior, thought better of it in consideration of the heat, and figured he'd stave off his hunger with a healthy diet of video games.

However, Laura Croft's bountiful bouncing bosom can only substitute for real nourishment for so long. Jay suddenly found his stomach growling, his concentration waning, his vision blurry…or maybe that was just the video games. Whatever the reason, he was hungry dammit. It was time for some serious grub. He immediately leaped to his feet, grabbed Silent Bob's comic, and with a, "getoffyerfuckinassangitmesumeatstubbyweezout!" sent his portly partner back out into the fiery pits of Jersey to get him some grub. Bob glared at him, rolled his eyes, and hesitantly put his coat back on before braving the heat, slamming the door for good measure.

And like most times when they were separated, Jay suddenly felt a little lost, even in his own house.

What to do now? Smoke a bowl? Might as well wait until Tubby comes back. Video games? Not much point until Tubby comes back. Movie? Getting closer. But what to watch? He wandered over to the bookcase housing their rather massive movie collection, and started scanning. Pulp Fiction…digging the violence, but the Gimp scene always creeped him out too much. A little John Hughes? The romance sounds right, but they'd just had a marathon on Tuesday. Fight Club…no. Take in some Jackie Chan? Nah. Legend? The Princess Bride? Definitely not. Twister. The Hobbit. Fear and Loathing. Sweeney Todd. Wizard of Oz. UHF…wait, what the fuck is Sweeney Todd?

He read the back of the box and it started to come back to him. Lunchbox had tried to get him into it, but he'd never really liked it. The violence was ok, but he wasn't much for musicals. But what the hell, not like he'd seen it in a while. He'd been looking for a good blend of romance and violence. Besides, that Angela Lansbury chick was pretty good. Murder She Wrote and all that. So in went the tape, and Jay settled back on the couch to take in this "demon barber" shit.

Ten minutes into it he realized he'd never really paid attention to this movie before. And now that he was, it wasn't that bad. It was actually pretty engaging, and the music was pretty good. He found himself gaining a liking for certain characters, even identifying with them. As Anthony laid eyes on his one true love for the first time, Jay couldn't help but think of the day he met Silent Bob. He could see himself, eight years old, sitting on the jungle gym and watching Bobby the Super Cool Sixth Grader sell candy bars at recess from his own personal stash. Jay had looked up to him, he always wanted to hang but the older boy's demeanor was so intimidating he could never think of a good way to start a friendship. It seemed like brilliance once he thought of it. He could still remember the first words he ever spoke to his future muscle.

"Hey, Lunchbox! Get your ass over here and lemme get a Snickers!"

He had to laugh at that now. Even in elementary school, Lunchbox was the perpetual dealer. Jay remembered the big metal lunchbox Bob used to carry his candy in. In high school, it became home to their weed. He was proud to have been the first to give Bob any kind of nickname. Hells, he'd even been the one to coin "Silent Bob." But Lunchbox, that one went over big. He could still see the tears of silent laughter pouring down that fucker's chubby little face. With that one sentence, he'd guaranteed himself a muscle for life. And actually, when it came right down to it, he had to admit their relationship went far beyond dealer and muscle. They were best friends, hetero lifemates, blood brothers, partners in crime. Shit, they loved each other. As much as he hated to admit it in public, or even in private, Jay was well aware of his feelings for Silent Bob. He was also pretty sure Silent Bob felt exactly the same. Jay did try, however, not to dwell on thoughts like that.

Now he was hopelessly hooked. The movie played on, and Jay watched in horror as the Judge took sweet Johanna away. He watched, eyes on the screen, mind on many things. That Todd guy really did love his daughter, even though he hadn't seen her since she was a baby. Here he was, just blocks away from her, and he's offing anybody he can just biding his time until he can kill her captor. That was some strong emotional shit, right there. Fuck, neither of his parents loved him that much, and they used to see him every fucking day. Nobody loved him enough to kill for him. Except for Silent Bob, he'd pop a fool in a heartbeat if Jay asked. That someone cared so much for him…it was so fucking mind-blowing.

As he sat on the couch, considering Anthony and Johanna, himself and Silent Bob, love in general, he started thinking how beautiful it all was. Even getting all teary about it and shit. He was so deep in thought he didn't even notice the sneaky bitch until he was practically on top of him.

"FUCKIN' LUNCHBOX!" Jay must have jumped two feet off the couch. When his heart found its way out of his throat, he continued in a snarl, "Way to sneak up on a guy, you silent fuck!" He threw a few choice shots in as well, while the fat fuck continued to stare at him like he'd grown another head. Fuck, he really had been crying. "What the fuck you lookin' at Tubby?" he demanded, covering for his vulnerable state as best he could, "And what the fuck'd you buy me?"

Silent Bob tossed him a Twinkie and headed for the kitchen to put the rest of the food away. Jay chowed down, grabbed the first DVD he could, and shoved it into the player. Anything was better than being caught with your eyes wet. Fucked if he was ever going to watch any of that girly bullshit again. And why was this just a plain Twinkie? Hadn't he specifically said Tiger Tails? Stupid fuck never listened.

He stared at the screen trying not to think about anything, but definitely not Silent Bob. He put even more effort into ignoring him after Tubby sat down right the fuck next to him. Yeah, great going the stupid fat fuck, didn't he know how close he was to being grossed the fuck out by his pussy ass roommate? He could feel the fucker looking at him, too. He tried to avoid eye contact for as long as possible, but eventually he let his guard down. The second he looked, Tubby just couldn't resist making fun of him. Made that stupid little finger down his face sign and grinned like an asshole. Fuckhead. Jay turned his back in an obvious display of righteous indignation. How could he just make fun of him like that? Tubby muted the TV and stared at him. He could almost hear the question in his look.

'What the fuck, Jay?'

Now how the fuck to answer that one? 'Oh, I was just thinking about how much I love you and it got me a little choked up.' Yeah, right, fuck that shit. How to explain without giving himself away? He reached behind him, grabbed Silent Bob's beer and took a swig. Then he turned to look at him.

"It's just..."

I love you. I always have, I always will, I don't know how much longer I can keep from saying it. Everything I do reminds me of you, everything I see reminds me of you. Every movie, every sappy-ass commercial, every crappy love song on every radio station. It's forever. It's eternal. It's...

"Fuck. It's love, man. Y'know, perennial as the motherfuckin' grass and all that shit?"

Silent Bob blinked at him, thought a moment, nodded, took back his beer and turned the DVD player off. The screen was graced with Sweeney Todd's presence once again. Jay, relieved as hell Lunchbox was going to leave it at that, got more comfortable and settled down to see what would happen to Todd and his friends. He even chanced a tentative touch of Tubby's arm, reveling, as he always did, in every bit of contact. He pretended Bob's chin on his head was actually a kiss, and closed his eyes. Perennial as the motherfuckin' grass. He'd pretty much hit the nail on the head with that one. He snuggled deeper into his hetero(yeah right)lifemate's chest and sighed. Maybe someday he'd elaborate. Just now he wanted to see if the beggar woman was really Todd's wife, like he suspected.

And Lunchbox thought he didn't like musicals.