Title: Rain Dance
Author: Mercury Starlight
Rating: R, language of course ^_^
Pairing: J/SB
Archive: Oh please, please!
Disclaimer: The standard. I don't own Jay, Silent Bob, or the 
lyrics to "Foolish Games". The first two belong to the ever-holy 
Kevin Smith, the last to the ever-lovely Jewel.
Spoilers: Implied Chasing Amy
Sequels/Series: Kind of a series of angsty little vignettes, all 
taking place at the same time (or just pre/post) each Askew movie. 
The series is prequelled by the "No Buzzkill Like the Past" trilogy, 
but aren't really sequels, as they can all be read individually. Oh, 
and since, by my calculations, (if we are to assume that Jay and 
Silent Bob are the same ages as their real-life 
counterparts) "Buzzkill" would have happened either just before or 
just after Clerks, there will only be four others. 
Note 1: This one's circa Chasing Amy, as is mentioned in the 
spoilers. I'm probably going to post these out of order, 
chronological order that is. I think I'll post these in the order I 
write them instead... which would make this number two of four, neh? 
(Hey look, she can count!) 
Note2: I've been listening to Jewel for a while, but I heard the 
first line to this song and immediately thought of Jay... the rest is as 
follows.
Warnings: Hmmm... .really angsty... .nothing really bad though... Smart!Jay, 
Indifferent!Jay, Bitter!Bob, Verbose!Bob
**********************************************************************

~Rain Dance~


*You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.*

`You're going to get yourself sick, dumbass.'

That's the only thing I can really think while I watch you laughing, 
screaming, dancing in the rain. It's one of your favorite pastimes, 
this belated rain dance. The second a storm rolls in, you're out 
there, whirling in circles, challenging the thunder, imploring me to 
join you, but mostly just dancing. Just letting down all of your 
walls and freeing yourself for an instant. I think you find release 
in the rain. It's there that you allow me to see a side of you that 
I don't normally have the privilege of seeing: the side of you that's 
happy. As happy-go-lucky as you seem, you never are. Sometimes I 
can see it all behind your eyes. The intelligence you hide from the 
world, either from some strange misconstrued idea of pride, or the 
fear that if you were smart people would expect things from you. I 
see the pain and sorrows of losses long past, the lost name of a 
sister we no longer mention. The anger at a world that has failed 
you so many times. But most often I see nothing at all. You keep 
yourself well hidden, even from me. I couldn't even tell what you 
were thinking when I let you know...

*You were always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.*

I suppose it was only a matter of time before you figured it out. 
It's not like I was exactly hiding it from you, and I had discovered 
a long time ago that you're not as stupid as you put on. It was your 
reaction, or rather you're lack of one, that shocked me. I can still 
see the absolute void on your face.

~~~ one week ago ~~~ 

"You've been fuckin' staring at me for hours, what the fuck is it?" 
Jay scowled at his roommate. He was already in a bad mood, and he 
felt like taking it out on someone. Besides, Silent Bob's eyes were 
starting to get to him. He was just staring. Had been all day. They 
would watch TV, Silent Bob would stare at him. They would be in the 
middle of a deal, Silent Bob would start staring at him. They would 
be riding home on the bus, Silent Bob would be staring at him. It 
was getting ridiculous, and he really couldn't take it anymore. Now 
he stood, glaring back finally.

Bob shrugged, shook his head, changed his expression, `Oh, was I 
staring at you? I hadn't noticed.'

"Fuck you," Jay turned around, running a hand through his hair. He 
turned around again to see his silent partner still staring. "Jesus 
fuck, WHAT?!"

Silent Bob looked away, "Just something Banky said, forget it." He 
walked away, toward his room. He was not about to start this 
conversation now.

"Oh, what, you're gonna' fuckin' confess your undying love to 
me `cause it might be too fuckin' late tomorrow or some shit?" The 
sentence dripped with sarcasm, as did Jay's face. Bob turned around 
with one of the most serious expressions he had ever given him. 

`So...?' his face said clearly.

Jay stopped short, his profound surprise was not evident, just a look 
of slight confusion. Bob sighed and walked into his bedroom. He 
wasn't sure what he had meant to accomplish by that look, but the 
message was sufficiently out there now. There was nothing to do but 
see what happened.

After ten minutes of sitting on his bed and waiting for something, 
any type of reaction, Jay appeared, a complete blank. He stared 
directly at Bob, "TV says it's gonna' rain. Close your fuckin' 
window." Even the words were empty, devoid of all emotion. Bob 
broke eye contact, put his head down. He hadn't thought Jay was 
capable of speaking without emoting. He was apparently wrong. He 
looked back up at the door, ready to speak, but Jay had already 
disappeared again. Bob lay down, sighing heavily, `Shit.'

*You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.*

~~~ Present ~~~

The day after, things were entirely back to normal. I had stopped 
staring, you were in a better mood, and both of us were acting as if 
nothing had happened at all. We're very good at that, you know. 
It's amazing how many things don't happen between the two of us. 
Touches that go "unnoticed," glances that go unmentioned, sometimes 
entire days suddenly cease to exist. In fact, when we got our first 
two-bedroom apartment, we didn't even have a housewarming party. The 
constant silence in the midst of your constant noise drives me 
insane. Your talent for complete obliviousness simply astounds me, 
even though it shouldn't. It's been the same for years. And as the 
years progress, it's killing me. Very, very slowly.

*Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.*

Do you know how many nights I've wanted to join you? Wanted to throw 
down every wall I've ever put up and scream at the rain? I get so 
angry sometimes. I wonder if you realize that I actually hear the 
things you say to me? I hear every venomous insult, every assault to 
my manhood, every cruel phrase tossed at me. I listen as you tell me 
how little I mean to you, and after a while, I start to believe it. 
I watch you wander off with any piece of ass willing to give you the 
time of day, and it kills me. I actually help you find the little 
sluts sometimes, and they are sluts, because half of them show up at 
my door when they're done with you. As if I would stoop that low. 
These meaningless little flings pile up, and after a while, they 
really get to me. They simply reinforce what you try to drum into my 
head every single day: you don't give a damn about me. Not even to 
the degree of respecting a roommate and toning down the fucking 
noise. What pisses me off even more is the knowledge that you know 
better.

*You were always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.*

Of course, I am referring to the times, few and far between that they 
are, that we have actually had a real conversation. It's as if 
you're suddenly fucking Socrates the way you ramble on. Suddenly, you 
know what you're talking about. Suddenly, we can talk about 
anything, from film to Theology, because you decided to get your head 
out of your ass and actually sound like an intelligent human being 
all of the sudden. It amazes me, because I am, and probably will 
always be, the only one you will ever talk like that with. What's 
worse is that once you realize that I know just how smart you are, 
you get all superior. Like suddenly I'm the one that everyone thinks 
is a moron. I'm the asshole that has twelve times more friends than 
enemies. I'm the self-professed whore that will, admittedly, fuck 
anything that moves. The more I think about it, the angrier I get, 
and at times, I consider walking out.

*Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.*

At times, I wonder whether I should just pick up and go, leave 
everything behind and leave you to fend for yourself. You're so big, 
you're such a bad-ass, let's see you survive on your own. Let's see 
what happens the first time somebody decides they want your wallet 
along with your stash. Let's see how you handle rent payments and 
housekeeping and grocery shopping. Let's see how well you do without 
me. I get all ready to do it, too. I let everything build up, let 
myself get really angry, and get to the point where I'm about to 
leave. And then you do something to stop me. It's happened every 
time, just when I think you couldn't get any more infuriating, you do 
something completely unexpected. You give me a present for no 
reason, or you thank me for doing something for you, or sometimes you 
just look at me in a certain way, or you smile. Your smile can keep 
me going for weeks, you know that? Maybe you do...maybe that's why you 
do it so rarely. 

You're smiling now, I see, despite how soaking wet, and more than 
likely cold, you are. I love to see you like this. It's this 
awkward waltz with the rain that's keeping me from leaving right now, 
you understand. Well, that's the thing, you don't understand, do 
you? You never have, I don't think. You wander through life, 
screwing the occasional chick, occasionally getting the shit beat out 
of you, taking the occasional bad trip, with absolutely no idea of 
what it's doing to me. You aren't that cruel, no matter how you may 
want to seem. You wouldn't mess with my emotions like this on 
purpose. Some part of me still wants to believe that you care for 
me, on some level. It's what always ends up keeping me here. The 
thought that maybe, if I stick around long enough, you might drag me 
into that downpour with you, and let me hear what you only tell the 
storm.

*You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.*
**********************************************************************

Ok, the end! The Mallrats one should be up soon enough, and I've 
started on the JASBSB one (yeah, I broke down and saw a pirated 
version on my friend's computer...it's not like I'm _not_ going to 
buy it when it comes out...I'll make up for it somehow, I promise!)
but I'm a little stuck on the Dogma one, so it may be a 
while...hmmm....ah well! R&R, please please!

~*!*~
Mercury