Title: Resign and Conquer Author: Kelandris the Mad Fandom: View Askewniverse Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob, Jay/Julie/Jenni (GIRLS! NO! :> ) Rating: Songfic. NC-17 for glimpses of tits and fingers moving and Bob's cock. (It's automatically NC-17 any time Bob's naked. I have just decreed this.) Yes, there are girls in this one. Status: New Archive: The traditional places. If you don't know what the traditional places are, you might want to write and ask. And here's how: Feedback: kel@crazysheep.net Series/Sequels: Sequels "Jay Baby". Damn those interfering twins. Disclaimers: Kevin Smith, View Askew Productions, Jason Mewes, Scott Mosier, and Miramax have creative control and ownership of Jay and Silent Bob. I am just an insignificant slasher who wants the boys to have fun now that they've retired. I'm not even charging them. Notes: Going through my back logs of a slow morning, and head still humming over ren's "Figments", and I started categorizing exactly how much stuph I have on this comp that needs companion pieces. I'm taking each one and posting a general guideline to how I want the sequel to go; this one just grabbed me and wouldn't let go. Note on the twins' names: it's an in joke that no one but certain people in the local area will get. Don't worry about it. Summary: Aftermath of Girls Gone Wild. No, wait, that's a tape series. What happened later that morning. No, that's pretty vague. Bob laughs at Jay for good reason. No, that's just silly. Uh, I guess this one won't summarize. Warnings: Female/female incest sex. Agh, yes. Hate, I mean I *hate*, these girls. They're getting on my nerves and they won't do what I want, which is calmly leave the apartment. Sheesh. Homosexuality, hints of lesbianism, male/male stuph, male/female stuph. "Resign and Conquer" by Kelandris *born is a human with a kung fu spine equipped with a detector of what's on your mind you jive you shuck you bob you weave and when you're down you've got something up your sleeve* Bob looked from one vapid blonde face, to another vapid blonde face, and then to the narrow, anxious, nervous blond behind him. He looked down, hearing the by-now-familiar giggle as one of the girls pulled her hand back from his leg. "Ooh, he's--" one of them said. "--all muscled, I knew it! I wonder--" the other chimed in. "...if he works out?" the first finished, and giggled. The sound was beginning to give him a headache. "Who *are* you?" Bob asked aloud, looking at them with repelled fascination. "Julie," said one, giggling. "An' I'm Jenni," said the other. "With an `I'." **Dear God, with an I. Of *course* with an I. I bet you even dot it with a little heart, don't you? Sweet fucking God, I'll kill him.** *and you've got it good as bad as it gets you make your own incisions that come with regrets* Jay backed away, watching him carefully, then turned towards the blonde girls. "Hey, babes, um, why don't you go off and, uh, gather up your stuff an' shit, and I'll come say goodbye, `kay? I need to talk over some shit with my man, here." This sent them into a fresh spate of giggling, and Bob's head spun. Carefully he counted, breathing slowly and evenly. The girls brushed by him on the way out, their pink and white outfits nearly matching, and he realized with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that they were wearing Love's Baby Soft. *you're in it to win it and make every minute count you put it all together and dish it out hey I know where you've gone it makes it that much nicer to meet you hey I know what you've done it makes it that much better to defeat you* **One,** he thought carefully. **Two. Three. I will not kill my roommate. Four. I will not tie him up and beat him. Five. Okay, maybe I'll tie him up. Six. Force him to apologize. Seven. Or at least use his lips for--** Bob breathed slowly, in and out, watching Jay. He heard giggling again, and turned, and saw two identical blonde heads peeping around the corner of Jay's bedroom door. He growled. They shrieked happily and pulled their heads in, still giggling. **Give me strength, Lord,** he prayed. He narrowed his eyes and looked at Jay. *all that knowledge all those skills all the gas it takes to get up top of the hill and while the others try and take your spot you wanna make `em stop but you gotta make `em stop* "It was, um, you know, the party an' all, and the place was movin' and groovin', and the music was tight, and Tonio was goin' through some good green showin' off his new thang, an' I went into my room to get some o' the *really* good shit, an'...* He trailed off, his eyes widening, and backed slightly away from his dark-haired roommate. "Man, what the hell would you've done? Shit, there they were, naked and sweaty and *in my bed*, and they both looked up from some heavy- as-shit porn-star action, and asked me to join `em." "And...?" Bob asked, already dreading the answer. "What? Fuck, I'm gonna say, sorry, girls, get dressed and get out, I gots me a bad man I'm in love with, so I can't be wit ya?" **The thought does occur,** Bob thought darkly. Jay shook his head. "Man, you do not at all get this shit. Those chicks are *sisters*, man. Now how often does that shit happen? Cute. Blonde. Girls. Humpin' each other. *Related*. It was like, man, some kind of fuckin' fantasy!" Briefly his eyes glazed over, and Bob's lip curled back. **World's shallowest motherfucker. Give you a good set of tits and you're happy. No matter what they're attached to.** *would you do anything whatever it takes jacks in the road yeah fix the brakes it's the instinct that's got us locked up tight and it's the madness that`s keeping us up all night* "*Twins*," Jay emphasized again. "Everything matches. You know how cool that is?" "Jay," he began warningly, and Jay shook his head. "No, I ain't breakin' up with your ass. What, I'm s'pose'ta be fuckin' celibate or some shit?" He leaned forward, his expression conspiratorial. "B'sides, bet me they ain't in there right now, waitin' for me to come back in an' nail `em." Bob blinked, stupefied. Jay leaned closer, snaking an arm around his waist. "Wanna come in an' see?" he asked, grinning like a fool. Bob looked towards the closed door of Jay's room. He had to be kidding. No. He wasn't serious. And they wouldn't be...Would they? He looked back at Jay. Just for a moment, the thought crossed his mind, and then he viciously stomped on it, shaking his head. *hey I know where you've gone it makes it that much nicer to meet you hey I know what you've done it makes it that much better to defeat you* "Man... Fuck, how you can turn down titties like that..." Then Jay shrugged. "Hey. Whatever. Your loss. You wanna finish the dishes?" And he ambled off to his room. *Humming*. **Fucker!** *it's what we are it's what we are it's what we are* Bob seethed, turning his attention to the dishes in the strainer. They were dry, so he put everything away, then steadily filled the strainer again, his eyes dark with the force of emotion. He couldn't quite tap into why he was so angry. He hadn't expected a monogamous relationship. No. He knew that was beyond Jay's abilities. And he knew Jay was always going to have *someone* on the side. Maybe it was the home turf thing. Jay didn't usually bring his girls home. Hell, usually he didn't bring them out of the *bar*, unless it was to find space in the alley or a service corridor or some car that some idiot'd left unlocked. So maybe that was it. Or was it the fact that he was working his ass off and Jay didn't seem to notice? Or care? Maybe that was-- "Hey! Lunchbox!" Jay cried out. Bob whirled around, to see a shirtless Jay looking around his bedroom door. He seemed to be holding on for dear life. "Could--use a li'l help here--" he gasped, then looked over his shoulder. "Bitch, stop that, I'ma kick you, I swear to--*God*..." Jay's eyes crossed briefly, before he shook his head, looking back at Bob. "Please?" he whimpered. *born is a human with mechanics to win born is machine with a human tucked in you jive you shuck you jab you stick you're calling out for help when it gets too thick your honor your honor it's not me it's the invisible visible evil powers that be* Bob threw the sponge in the sink. Stupid fucking blond-haired boys. His life seemed to be overrun with yellow-haired mutants at the moment. Great. Get on the white charger, go rescue his roommate from certain peril. **"No, let me go and *face* the peril!" "No, no, it's too perilous,"** part of his brain quoted. The rest of his brain replayed a scene from earlier in that film, and his eyebrows raised. Huh. Fantasy material. Maybe more than that. Maybe a proving ground of sorts. See who can make Jay scream loudest. Shit. Even with the ditzy twins, this could be kind of fun. Smiling now, a look that made Jay shudder, he strolled toward the bedroom. *untraceable insatiable having to feed yeah you cry when you're wounded and you laugh when they bleed* When he got there, it was chaos. Jay was backing away from the door, looking scared. One of the girls was on the floor, stark nude, and pretty in her own vacant way. She had a hand wrapped around Jay's thigh, and her pink frosted lipstick was smeared. The other girl was on the bed, legs open, mouth open, obviously waiting for more than just her fingers to drive inside her. Though that's where her fingers were, at the moment. "Lunchbox, I--" Jay started, and that was all the time he had to speak. Bob stepped close, tilted his chin up, and brushed his lips across the younger man's, licking across their surface with his tongue. Jay moaned, and Bob sucked in his lower lip, running his tongue over that, waiting until Jay's mouth fell open a bit more to sneak his tongue inside, licking along his palate. "Ooh," breathed the girl at their feet. He heard her scramble to the bed, and heard her sister gasp. "Yeah, that's sooo coool," she said. "They look so--" "--good together." **Dear God,** Bob thought. **Sisters. I can't believe--no, no, can't think about that now. It's not abuse if it's willing, right? I think. I think that's how it goes.** Ruthlessly, Bob shut the thoughts down, and went back to kissing Jay. Jay, meanwhile, was busy undressing him, and everything seemed fine until Jay shucked down his sweats, and then both girls shrieked. Blinking, Bob pulled away from Jay, looking over his shoulder. "Fuck, you're hung," said one of them. She swallowed uneasily, looking at her sister. "Problem?" he asked. The girls looked at each other, then looked at Jay. Jay smiled down, dropping a hand possessively on Bob. He nipped Bob's ear lightly, earning a gasp from everyone else in the room. "Big boy, yeah," he breathed, and looked back at the girls. "You c'n leave if you're not up to it," he said softly. *hey I know where you've gone it makes it that much nicer to meet you hey I know what you've done it makes it that much better to defeat you* "Uhh..." said one. "Yeah, um, give us a call, okay?" And they scrambled over each other, scrambling into clothes, watching in glaze-eyed horror as Jay knelt, kissing the tip of the python between Bob's thighs, looking over at them. His sea-tone eyes were half-lidded with lust and triumph. "Chicken," he said. "Fuck you, Jay! That thing--" "--could kill us, we don't go--" "--for the big ones, you know that!" Both girls stood indignantly, arms crossed, eyes flashing. Jay nodded for a moment, then looked up, feeling shudders of repressed laughter pass through Bob. "What the fuck *you* laughin' about, you're--" Then his eyes flashed and he stood, nostrils flaring. "Hey!" he cried out. "Fuck you, bitch! Bitch*es*," he added. "I am more than long an' strong enough for six of you, man! I ain't--" "Oh," said Julie, stepping close. Or was it Jenni? She ran a hand through Jay's hair, pouting. "We didn't mean--" "--it like that," finished Jenni. Or was it Julie? Bob's eyes flashed ceilingward for a moment, then returned to Jay, who was now being petted by two pouting twins. Fuck, but he wanted a cigarette. But fuck if he'd leave Jay alone with them again. Narrowing his eyes, he measured out positions. Hmm. This could work to his advantage. **It's just a step to the right...* he heard, echoing through his head, and smiled. He did just that, one easy step behind Jenni-or-Julie, lifting her skirt. Before she could turn around, he noticed that she was still wet from fingering herself on the bed, and she didn't have panties on. He slid his cock against her rear, twin pinkish globes, caressed by afternoon sunlight, and she gasped, turning towards him. "Oh no," she said, her voice high-pitched and breathless. "I'm sorry, we were just--" "--leaving," the other said, pressing close to her sister. Still nude, Bob reached out, lifting first one hand of one twin to his lips, then the other, kissing their hands and leading them to the door. He summoned every ounce of suave he had in his person. "Pity," he said softly. They shivered, then looked down, and shivered again. They practically ran out the door, and Bob watched until they were gone from the apartment. Good. He returned his attention to Jay, lowering his head, and Jay's eyes got wide. "Uh...dude...now, let's not get psycho here--" Bob took a step forward, growling again, and Jay yelped. Bob kicked behind him, closing the door with his booted foot, and Jay yelped again. He fought the urge not to smile, but this was kind of fun. **Now you must pay,** Bob thought, and Jay shrieked, scrambling across the bed. Casually, Bob reached down, grabbing a flailing ankle and pulling him across the coverlet. He laughed. Boy didn't have a chance in hell of getting away. And seeing the happy, possessive glow in Jay's eyes, he knew he wanted it that way. *it makes it that much better to defeat you it makes it that much better to defeat you it makes it that much better to beat you* END (Song is excerpted from "Defeat You" by Smashmouth) ***** Kelandris the Mad little miss muffet counting down from 730 (faith)