Title: Rub Me The Right Way
Author: Charles (jcrewguy@gmail.com)
Summary: Jay gets a surprise with his new "pretty pipe".
Rating: R (for language)
Disclaimer: All hail Smith. Not mine.
Notes: Written for Barbana, who asked for Jay/Silent Bob with Pop
Rocks and a hookah. Thanks to Fu and Random for read-throughs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jay fiddled with the hookah until it was sitting "just right" on the
coffee table. Silent Bob had insisted on having no involvement ever
since Jay spotted the thing at a thrift store. But once Jay had seen
the contraption made of green glass and what looked like gold, there
was no stopping him.

Silent Bob had watched Jay struggle with the hookah on the way home,
wondering where the hell they were going to keep it when they needed
the table. The damn thing was huge. Bob pulled some Pop Rocks from one
of the many pockets of his voluminous coat and observed as Jay loaded
it up with some of the "good shit".

"Yo, Lunchbox. Gimme your lighter! And 'cause my ass dragged this
motherfuckin' thing home by myself, your lazy ass ain't getting' a
smoke from it."

Silent Bob favored Jay with a finger before pulling out a lighter and
tossing it to Jay.

"Careful!" Jay barked as he caught the lighter. "You don't wanna hurt
my new baby, do you?"

Silent Bob rolled his eyes and tossed some more Pop Rocks into his
mouth.

"Yeah, yeah. We'll see who's sorry when I'm lighting up, bitch."

For a few minutes, the only sounds in the apartment were the Pop Rocks
detonating in Silent Bob's mouth and Jay's breathing as he fiddled
with the hookah.

"Awright!" Jay crowed as he rubbed his hands together. "I'm firin'
this bad boy up! Enjoy the show, 'cause you ain't getting' none." Jay
flicked the lighter and held the flame to where he figured it should
go on the hookah and raised one of the hoses to his mouth.

Silent Bob held the packet of Pop Rocks up to his mouth and frowned
when there were no more forthcoming. He crumpled the packet up and
threw it at Jay's head.

Jay was sucking on the hose, so all he could do was raise a finger at
Bob. Silent Bob shrugged and retreated to the kitchen, wanting to be
clear of the blast zone, should a disaster occur.

Sure enough, as Bob rummaged through the fridge, there was a loud boom
and the smell of smoke. He hurried back into the living room to find
Jay sprawled on the floor with a smile on his face. "Look," Jay said
as he pointed to the cloud of smoke.

The smoke cleared and revealed a scantily clad blonde female, who was
snapping gum and looked vaguely bored. The makeup on her face was
overdone but she was still attractive.

"Fuckin' A," Jay breathed as he got to his feet. "I gots me a genuine
genie! Baby, I am gonna rub yous the right way!"
"Excuse me?!?!" the genie said in reply. "Back the fuck off, you
stoner shit. You're not getting your hands anywhere near me."

"But don't you got to grant me some wishes?" Jay licked his lips
lasciviously as he eyed the genie.

"Pffft!" The genie's eye was caught by Silent Bob. "Hello there,
Mister quiet, dark and handsome."

Silent Bob's eyes widened in alarm. He pointed to himself and the
genie nodded.

"Why don't you try and rub me, big guy. I'm sure I can make your
wishes come true," she purred.

Silent Bob blushed and his hands grew very busy as he attempted to
explain that he and Jay were a thing and Bob was quite loyal to Jay
despite the latter's wandering eye.

"Enough!" the genie snapped at Silent Bob. "I give up. The two of you
deserve each other. To prove I'm not a total bitch, I'll grant one
wish for each of you."

Jay and Silent Bob looked at each other as Jay's smile grew
particularly lewd.

"No, not like that you pervy shit! Jesus, you fucking people." The
genie snapped her fingers and a lush, green marijuana plant appeared
in the apartment. "As long as you never use this hookah again, that
plant will give you pot for the rest of your life." The genie leaned
so that she was in Jay's face. "Do you understand?" She saw that Jay's
eyes were focused on her chest, so she smacked him. She looked at
Silent Bob. "Explain it to him, will you?"

Silent Bob nodded as if to say, "That hookah is going back to the
thrift store as soon as you're gone."

"As for you, my bearded lovely." The genie paused and thought about
it. "Your little friend here will actually listen to you when you want
him to. I'd help you out in the bedroom, but I don't even want to
think about *him* in there."

"Thanks," said Bob and then shrugged as if to say, "What can you do?"

The genie disappeared in another puff of smoke. Silent Bob picked up
the hookah and headed for the door.

"You ruin everything you fat fuck! If it wasn't for you, that genie
would've been grantin' *all* of my wishes. And now you're takin' my
pretty new pipe away."

Jay continued to rant, but Silent Bob tuned him out as he left the
apartment. When he got back, Jay was going to listen. A lot. He was
definitely going to listen. Possibly in the bedroom. Wandering eye, my
ass, thought Silent Bob.