Title: Sailor Bong
Author: Charles (jcrewguy@gmail.com)
Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob
Summary: "He is the one called Sailor Bong!" "In the name of the weed, I will punish you!"
Rating: R
Archive: Yes to the list archive. Otherwise ask. *snerk*
Disclaimer: Not mine. All hail Smith.
Notes: I honestly do not know where this came from. Fu gets the blame for encouraging me, 
helping come up with the cliches and the title.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jay looked in the mirror. "Motherfucker!" he screamed. His eyes were
huge. And his body was willowy thin. "This is the last goddamn time I
lace sushi with anything," he vowed.

He looked over at Silent Bob and was startled when a pattern of roses
appeared behind Bob. Bob's hair flowed via a mysterious wind and he
looked more handsome than usual. If you discounted the oddly huge
eyes, anyway.



Bob watched as Jay stalked into the kitchen and found the biggest
knife he could carry. There was a gleam from the point of the knife as
Jay held it up before pocketing it dramatically. "I ain't lettin' no
fuckin' tentacles get near me!"

Silent Bob, who found that his larger eyes made expressing himself
that much easier, looked at Jay and then down at his crotch.

"Fine," Jay mumbled. "Just one tentacle. But no others!"

By mutual consent they ended up on the couch. Jay fumbled in his
pockets for a pack of cigarettes. "Son of a--!" he swore as he
discovered there were none on his person. Jay looked at Bob.

Bob shook his head.

"I didn't wanna do this while we were. y'know, weird, but we gotta do
it. We gotta go to the QuickStop and get cigarettes."

Silent Bob nodded and got to his feet. He held one finger up and
struck a pose.

"The fuck is your problem?" Jay asked.

Silent Bob glared at Jay.

Jay shrugged. "Fine. Show me what you wanted to, lunchbox."

Bob resumed his pose and was suddenly in silhouette as the background
around him became oddly indistinct. He contorted and twirled until
there was a brilliant flash of light and Silent Bob stood there.
exactly the same as he was before.

Jay's already large eyes got even bigger as he noticed something on
Bob's forehead. "What the fuck is that on your head?"

Silent Bob reached up and felt a giant drop of water. He shrugged.

Jay snorted. "You think you're so special with your poses? Fuckin'
amateur. I'll show you how it's done." He leapt to his feet and posed
and contorted and declared, "In the name of the weed, I will smoke
you!"
Silent Bob's jaw dropped open as he saw what had happened to Jay. He
was wearing a sailor girl costume and his long hair was in two
ponytails that were on either side of his head.

"What the fuck are you lookin' at?" Jay asked Bob.

Bob pointed at the mirror.

"Fine, I'll go look."

Bob grew alarmed at the sight of the pulsing vein in Jay's forehead
that appeared when Jay saw his reflection.

"Do you know how hard it is to walk in goddamn high heels?" Jay raged
as he stalked towards Silent Bob.

Silent Bob shrank down in size and ran from Jay.

"Ewww, dude. You can turn into a fuckin' Smurf?"

Bob turned and stuck his tongue out at Jay while pulling down his
lower eyelid with a finger.

Jay fumbled underneath the skirt of his sailor costume. "I dunno what
I'm doin', but somethin' tells me I gotta do this." Jay held up a
weapon that looked oddly like a bong and posed. "In the name of the
weed, I punish youse!" he cried.

Silent Bob returned to his normal size and willed his eyes to go
sparkly.

"Fuck," Jay muttered. "You know I can't be mad at you when you pull
shit like that."
He blinked as the background behind Bob was filled with flowers again.
"What the fuck is it with those flowers?" he said to no one in
particular.

Silent Bob frowned as he found Jay, sprawled out underneath their
makeshift coffee table. Sushi that was a couple of days old, enough
bottles of sake to get even Jay drunk and of course, a half-smoked
joint.

Bob shook his head as he picked up the joint. He rummaged in the
cushions of the couch for a lighter and the remote as Jay snorted and
mumbled something about big, shiny eyes.