Title: "So This is Christmas"
Author: Kelandris the Mad
Fandom: View Askewniverse, general; 2002 holiday story.
Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob
Rating: PG-13 only for language.  Such a smarm piece.
Status: New
You must send an email to me and let me know where you intend to 
archive. Private archiving allowed as long as you don't intend to 
publish. Behave.
Email address for feedback: kel@crazysheep.net
Series/Sequel: One-shot for the holidays.
Disclaimers: All characters belong to Kevin Smith and the View 
Askewniverse. If I really get into this, I probably will too. Or at 
least go into hock when I walk into a video store, go into rut, and 
buy all the DVDs at once.
Notes: Haven't written a lot lately, got sucked into another fandom 
*hard*.  But I've been working on this story when I got a minute here 
and there.  Poor abandoned boys--I swear, I'm going through the 
backlog of unfinished stuph, starting in January!  And boy, I never 
know how being sick will affect me--raging fever, blurred vision, but 
I suddenly knew how to fix this and damn, here it is.  Special note:  
They actually make the iguana cards.  Or at least, they did the year 
I sent them out. :>
Summary: Jay and Bob, a Christmas story.  It's really that simple.
Warnings: Mild language warning.  That's about it.

"So This is Christmas"
by Kelandris the Mad


*so this is Christmas
and what have you done
another year over
a new one just begun*

*Three weeks before:*

"Trish, c'mon," Jay wheedled.  "It's for a good cause."

"It's dragging my ass out in a snowdrift in the middle of the 
turnpike, most likely," said Trish over the phone.  "What makes you 
think I have *any* interest in you going all mushily domestic on me?"

"Baby, if you want, I c'n come over right now and fuck you seventeen 
ways to Sunday," Jay said, his smile wider than Bob's shocked glance.

"Fuck off, Jay."

Jay shrugged, moving to hang up the phone, and Trish sighed.  He 
paused, waiting.

"Okay," she said, grudgingly.  "I'll be there.  This better not be a 
set-up, blond boy."

***

*Two weeks before:*

For once, Jay wanted to do something nearly traditional:  buy a tree 
and decorate.  Bob spent the better part of three days finding a tree 
skirt he liked, a tree stand that didn't tip over at the slightest 
inclination.  He had no idea what would make it *onto* the tree, 
mind, but he could take the time to find something.

Trish came over, grumbling, promptly at five, and they set off to hit 
the interstate, and all those little tree-lots along the way.  The 
first nine weren't that promising--little offset clumps of sawn 
timber, most of it scraggly or already deboned, the limbs making 
their slow way onto huge, showy bows and wreaths.  After the last 
one, Jay still shaking his head, Trish had had it.

"It's cold, I'm freezing, and I'm going home!" she yelled.

Bob shrugged, pulling Jay away from the collection of freestanding 
lawn ornaments he'd found, and they all piled into the car again.  
Jay started cursing five miles a minute.  Bob fell into his usual 
pattern of headshakes and eye rolling.  Trish had just gripped the 
wheel tighter.

Then Jay had screamed from the back seat.

"Wait!  Trish, fuck, *wait*!"

She slowed, peering resentfully at a tree farm sign just off the 
interstate, grumbled something even Bob couldn't catch under her 
breath, and pulled off at the exit.  It took maybe ten minutes to get 
to the farm.  Weird, too--one moment it had been industrial parks and 
smokestacks, the next minute, near-farmland, and short trees getting 
taller.

Jersey was like that, though.  Bob thought he'd gotten used to it.

Trish slowly turned the car in, and everyone peered out the windows, 
knowing this was it.  Jay was fairly bouncing in the car until they 
stopped and he could race out, into the forest of slain trees.

Bob and Trish looked at each other, shrugging, hearing the blond 
whoop in the distance.  Then he popped back out.

"Okay, big stuff, I have just *one* question for you."

Bob looked at him.  Raised an eyebrow.  Waited.

"Flocked or not?"

*and so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
the near and the dear ones
the old and the young*

*That* was the question?  He walked over to the flocking enclosure, 
seeing white and pink and teal pale green trees, looking like plastic 
versions of the real thing.  Everything in there was flocked within 
an inch of its slowly fading life, and he shuddered, appalled on some 
deep, incomprehensible level.  His eyes met Jay's somberly, and he 
shook his head.

"Okay, then, here--" And Jay sprinted to a tree just beside the 
flocking area, and lugged it a few steps forward.

"Will that even fit in your apartment, Jay?"

Jay looked at it, sizing it up.

"Um.  I think so," he said doubtfully.

Trish shook her head, walking into the miniature forest.  She turned, 
pointing out a shorter tree.  Sparse branches, but full ones, made 
the tree nearly pyramidal as all three circled it, staring.

"This one, Jay--it'll fit onto the car, into your apartment and won't 
cause a fire hazard if you idiots don't water it."

Jay looked at it, shaking his head.  "Nuh-uh.  Bigger."

"Oh, for God's sake--" Trish turned to stalk out, and Bob touched her 
arm.

"What?"

He pointed.  There was a tree just behind the one she'd pointed out, 
and they all clustered around it.  It sloped a little to one side, 
but leveling would be no problem.  The tree itself topped Bob by 
around three inches, and was only slightly wider around.  All three 
of them grinned, and watched Jay lift it, lugging it back.

"Hey!  Tree guy!" Jay yelled.  "We want this one!"

And that was it for tree shopping.

*a very merry Christmas
and a happy new year
let's hope it's a good one
without any fear*

The next week was spent mall-crawling; Jay dealing to any interested 
parties, Bob looking at various and sundry Christmas ornaments.  The 
Martha Stewart stuff felt a bit fussy this year, so he tried to find 
simple, easy things that could coordinate well, no matter what Jay 
thought to do to the tree.  He picked out a selection of cornhusk 
pinecones with red cords, and plaid bows in red and green, and 
convinced Jay one night to go shopping with him for popcorn and whole 
cranberries.

"Dude, I like the jelly stuff," Jay said doubtfully.  Bob just shook 
his head.  He'd learn.

The next night they spent decorating the tree.  Bob popped popcorn, 
Jay complaining that it wasn't salted or buttered, and Bob sat on the 
couch, stringing popcorn and cranberries on thread, stringing them 
around the tree when he got a sufficient length.  It took about an 
hour to get the tree completely draped in popcorn and berry garland.  
Jay stepped back when he was done, tying off the last popcorn puff, 
and wrapping the last six inches around the tree top.

"Huh.  That's kinda cool, Lunchbox."

Bob smiled, and began to hang ornaments.  He opened a package of gold 
tinsel strands, and a package of green pipe cleaners he'd bought at a 
dollar store, figuring they'd look better than ornament hooks.  Jay 
yelped, dashing off to his room, and when he came back he had a box 
that rattled in his hands.  He took some of the pipe cleaners, 
twisting them as he'd seen Bob do.  Then he tied the other ends to 
objects he pulled out of the box.  He walked around the tree, tying 
various things in various places.  

Now it was Bob's turn to step back, and he laughed a little when he 
did.  Now he knew what had been in the box--Jay's collection of 
pipes, in various shapes, discarded for the most part when he'd 
discovered the wonders of the bong.  They were all similar shapes, in 
brass or steel, with various inlays of various materials.  They 
looked good on the tree.  Bob nodded his approval to Jay.

"Cool," Jay said, ducking his head and adjusting tinsel.

*and so this is Christmas (war is over...)
for weak and for strong (...if you want it)
the rich and the poor ones
the road is so long*

*One week before:*

The invitations started pouring in, and a few cards.  The cards got 
propped up on the entertainment center, by the VCR.  Bob bought a 
simple pack of cards to return, 12 in the pack, with an iguana in a 
Santa hat on the card cover.  Jay couldn't stop giggling whenever he 
saw them; that's part of why Bob had gone with the weird factor.

The tree looked good.  Bob couldn't think of why they hadn't had one 
before.  Lights went up around the windows and around the 
entertainment center; the tree already glowed with tiny multicolored 
beams.  Friends stopped by, reminded them of upcoming parties, and 
left soon after.  Bob made eggnog and it turned out pretty well.  Jay 
drank a whole quart of it one night and got really sick the next day.

Bob carefully didn't laugh at him.  Jay didn't do it again.

*and so happy Christmas
for black and for white
for the yellow and red ones
let's all stop the fight*

And then, the mood changed.  One night they were just sitting on the 
couch, wrapped around each other, looking at the lights change 
patterns on the tree.  Jay looked up for a moment before relaxing 
again, against Bob.

"Let's just stay in this year."

Jay was held loosely in Silent Bob's arms, and Bob listened to his 
breathing, felt the rising and falling of the chest he'd wrapped his 
arms around.  He seemed serious.  He blinked, thinking about it.  No 
parties.  No friends getting drunk and trashing their place.  No Jay 
getting drunk and trashing someone else's.  Huh.  Concept.

"I mean it," Jay said softly.  "No parties.  No big drug-crazed 
blowouts.  No drinking contests.  No girls.  Just...us."

He turned to Bob, tracing a black-nailed fingertip along his jaw.  A 
corner of his mouth smiled, but Bob's eyes were dark, searching Jay's 
blue-green ones for confirmation of the lines his mouth was spinning.

"That okay?  Or you want the excitement?"

Bob thought for a moment, and then he leaned forward, touching his 
lips briefly to Jay's forehead.

"No," he said, softly, nearly inaudibly.  Only Jay could have heard, 
and he smiled happily that he had.  "Let's stay in."

"Yeah," Jay said.  He snuggled against Bob's large chest, and Bob 
could nearly feel happiness radiating out of the boy.  "Just us.  
Cool."

**Yeah.  Just us.  Merry Christmas, Jay.**

Jay hummed as if he'd heard, leaning back against the larger man, and 
watched the lights on the tree.

*war is over - if you want it*

END
(Song is John Lennon's "Happy Christmas/War is Over")
************************
Kelandris the Mad
chestnuts nipping at your nose