Title: Stumble
Author: Mercury Starlight
Rating: R, language, sexual situations
Parings: J/SB, Jay/random girl
Archive: Yep, yep, yep!
Disclaimer: Nobody belongs to me. In fact, I don't belong to me. I 
am a figment of my best friend's imagination, who in turn is a 
figment of her boyfriend's imagination. And I'm pretty sure that 
we're all just figments of Kevin Smith's imagination anyway, so suing 
me would be counter-productive.
Series/Sequel: Sounds like it's probably prequelled by "Buzzkill" (I 
have this strange feeling that almost everything I write in this 
fandom will we prequelled by "Buzzkill". I think it's my own little 
fanon universe.) but is isn't related to the Jewel vignettes, 
because of the turn of events in the JSBSB one, so...Ok, here. It's a 
Buzzkill AU. Yeah. That's what it is. Ok. I think I'm getting 
better at this...
Warnings: Hetero sex, angst galore, that damn abusive father again, 
author's apparent favorite past time (read: making Jay cry), various 
other very, very bad things.
Notes: Yes, another songfic, this seems to be a trend with me 
lately... Smart!Jay once again, along with Smooth(a.k.a. slightly OOC)!
Jay, Traumatized!Jay and Depressed/Suicidal!Jay. Bob is really only 
talked about...
This ended up in a completely different direction than I had intended 
when I started...I'll see how much it tortures you guys before I 
consider sequeling it. (^_^ I'm so evil! ^_^) Oh, and neither 
Melissa nor randomgirl are based on anyone. They're simply figments 
of my over-active imagination. I just figure if I would fuck them, 
Jay would fuck them! =�

"Severed" words & music by Liam Lynch
*...* = flashback
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Well you're looking at what's left
Of a heart that's been shipwrecked
And I'm feeling wide open.
These bones that you've shaken don't forget*

First off, lemme say that I ain't never told nobody about any 
of this shit before, so if you're gonna go spreadin' shit around, 
just stop fuckin reading, right now. Ok, now that that's outta the 
way, I should probably explain why I'm lyin' here naked, with my eyes 
all red an' puffy an' shit, just starin' at the wall. Well it's a 
long fucking story but why the fuck not, not like I got anything else 
ta do, right? So lessee here, I guess it starts out with me at this 
rave. I didn't even really wanna go, but I kinda felt like I had to 
get outta the house for a while, so there ya go. But see, I've just 
been havin' this feeling lately, like I'm just kinda tired of 
everything. I mean, I don't like TV anymore, but I watch it all the 
time, even though it just feels like I'm lookin' right through the 
screen. It's like that with everything lately. Last two weeks 
especially, I've just been kind of goin' through the motions, ya 
know? 

So I'm at this rave, and I'm on...something...fucked if I 
know what it was, but it's not really doing anything, least not with 
how I been feelin' lately. An' I'm also pretty drunk, so I'm lookin' 
for some good pussy, `cause anybody that knows me knows that I get a 
couple of shots in me an' I'm ready ta fuck anything with 
tits. `Course I don't need alcohol to make me want chicks, shit no, 
ol' Jay here's got plenty for all tha fine young bitches, it's just 
that getting a little liquid refreshment ain't bad either, you know 
how it is. So I'm cruisin' the scene, checkin out the goods, letting 
all the ladies know that Jay's in town an' he's ready for business, 
when I see this chick over by the wall, just checkin' out the view, 
like a fuckin' wallflower or some shit. She looks real shy, real 
vulnerable. So I think, `Hot shit, fuckin' virgin, haven't gotten me 
one a them in a while.' An I go over ta talk to this fine piece of 
ass.

She's got this long brown hair that's real shiny an neat, an 
these perfect fuckin tits, I mean, not too small, not to fuckin huge, 
just kinda in the middle, all round with perfect fuckin nipples, 
they're just beggin to be sucked on, stickin out like that. An the 
rest'a her body ain't bad neither, with her curvy hips, long legs, an 
I mean a perfect fuckin hourglass, the bitch is fuckin' perfect. 
Fuck, just walkin' up to her gave me half a stock. So I turn on the 
Jay Charm(TM) an watch the magic work.

"Hey," I say, all smooth an gentle. Over the years, I 
learned how ta handle virgins, an I can smell `em fuckin miles away. 
She's ripe for the picking.

"Hey," an she's all shy, an she avoids my eyes for a while, 
tryin to look at me without lookin. Jesus, this is fuckin too good 
to be true!

"I saw you standin over here, an you were lookin so pretty I 
just figured I'd come over and say hello. I'm Jay." An I flash her 
the winning smile, a half-smirk complete with flirty eyes. Fuck, 
I've got this shit down to a fuckin science. (Jesus, don't look so 
surprised. I ain't a complete asshole when it comes ta chicks, how 
ya think I get all that clam, anyways? Mosta' the shit I say while 
I'm dealin an shit is just for show. It's so all the other 
underground assholes know I ain't some kinda pussy. I got a 
reputation, after all.)

"I'm Melissa," she smiles real soft an looks in my eyes, 
finally. I wink. She doesn't stand a chance. Then I notice her 
eyes. Jesus. For just a second, I'm fuckin speechless. They're big 
an deep an soulful. An expressive dark brown, just like...

*These ribs aren't the only 
Cage around my heart
My consequence, as the fool,
Is to stumble through these parts*

...like somebody I wouldn't wanna fuck, so I make an exit an 
leave her ass. Probably don't put out anyways. I'm real pissed off 
now, but I don't really know why, an' it goes away pretty soon an 
gets replaced with that empty feeling I been getting lately. So now 
I'm feelin really empty an kinda like I'm watchin myself walk around, 
so I decide that I need more beer. Or vodka. Whatever. So I 
drink...something...I dunno, it was probably something hard, it's not 
that important. I don't usually pay attention to what I drink when 
I'm just tryin to fill the void, ya know what I mean? An then by the 
time I'm getting pretty damn drunk I see this other bitch standin 
over by the bar. 

She's tall, almost my height, with short blond hair and too 
much eyeliner. She's kinda skinny, but she looks like she'd bone 
anything with two legs, so I figure she'll do. I walk over and turn 
on the Jay Charm(TM), and she's so fuckin stupid I gotta turn it down 
and just get right down to the point. She nods, an I get a chance ta 
look at her eyes. Green, an pretty damned vacant. That's just fine 
with me, I just need somewheres ta shoot my load, right? Fuck, I 
don't even ask her name, an she don't tell me. An I don't even give 
a fuck.

*Well there's a body moving under me
But I don't complain.
It's just a hopeless ray of sunshine
Coming through my broken window pane*

So the bitch comes home with me, and we're fucking. It 
occurs to me, (which is weird `cause I don't usually think while I'm 
bonin') that I've only ever fucked. I've never just had sex, or 
fornicated, or copulated. (Fuck, there you go again, lookin' all 
surprised an' shit. What is it with you fucking people? I gotta' 
act like a moron 24-7? Well fuck you, just so happens I'm a walking 
fucking thesaurus, ya happy? Lemme explain somethin' to ya. I start 
runnin' around actin like I'm fuckin Shakespeare or some shit an' 
people're gonna start expectin' that shit all the time. Big words 
mean intelligence, intelligence means responsibility. I don't want 
none of that shit.) 

But anyways, I start thinking, I've never made love. I've 
fucked. Period. I don't even know what making love feels like. 
Fuck, I don't even know what intercourse feels like. I mean, at 
least intercourse is detached. It's cold and mechanical, like you're 
running on auto-pilot. Fucking is worse. It's...harsh. It's angry 
and mean, like I'd rather kill the bitch than stick my dick in her. 
It feels fake. Like I'm showing off or something. And for some 
reason, that idea bothers me. I mean, it really bugs the shit outta 
me. And suddenly, I don't really wanna fuck anymore. And I really 
want this bitch outta my room, `cause at the same time another 
thought comes into my head. 

`But you do know what it feels like,' it says, all real quiet 
and sneaky, like I don't really wanna be thinkin' it. And then I 
know why, and I suddenly wanna stop thinkin' altogether, `cause I 
can't get this picture outta' my mind. And it's about then that I 
realize that I'm not really payin' attention any more, and she's 
lookin' really pissed, and I don't care. I just get up, an' tell her 
to get out, `cause it's not like I give a shit what she thinks about 
me anyway. I mean she's the one that came home with a total stranger 
for a fuck. Fucking slut. 

So she gets dressed and storms out, and I really couldn't 
give a shit, `cause I'm just sitting on the bed, staring at the wall, 
trying to get the picture out of my head. I've got this feeling in 
my stomach, and it shouldn't feel like it does while I'm thinkin' 
about this. I shouldn't like what I'm seeing, `cause I'm seeing him 
kiss me. Feeling it, like it was happening. And I'm shaking, and I 
don't know if it's from thinking or trying not to. And I just curl 
up into a ball and let go. I don't even know why, but I'm bawlin' 
like a pussy, playing it over and over in my head. And I can't feel 
anything but his hands, touching me so soft, like he's scared I'll 
break. 

*My nerves have been severed
I'm trying hard not to remember
Your taste*

That little voice keeps talking, `That's love. It's what 
love feels like. You've felt it. You've felt- '

*"Queer! You fucking little queer!"*

Another voice. Fuck, I got voices in my head. That one's my 
dad, an' it's louder. *"Get out here, you little shit, quit licking 
your mother's pussy and be a man, for chrissake! Jesus, Meg, you 
spoil that kid."*

This is a memory, but fucked if I know from when. Could be 
any time, but I think I was little, probably about ten. Thinkin' 
about it's making me cry harder. I wonder how I must look right 
then, grown man naked, in the fetal position, blubberin' like a 
little bitch. I decide I don't care, `cause it's not like anybody's 
watchin' me. `Sides, the things I've got goin' through my head right 
now, I ain't about ta stop.

*"Dammit, Meg, will you quit. fucking. crying!" He grabs me 
by the arm and turns me towards a picture on my mom's dresser. My 
Uncle Mark.

"You know who that is, don't you, you little fuck? He's just 
your best friend, isn't he?"

The question was loaded, I knew better than to answer, ten 
years old or not. But he was right. I really liked my Uncle Mark. 
He was always nice to me, an' before he moved out of town my mom used 
to send me over to his house if my dad started acting crazy. Like 
right then.

So I shake my head, but he doesn't see it, he's screamin' 
again, "Well you better find a new one, because that one's fucking 
dead!"

Dead? My eyes start waterin', which isn't good because boys 
ain't supposed to cry an' I've gotten my ass kicked for that before. 
But he doesn't notice that either, `cause he's to busy drumming a 
message into my head that'll never leave. Not if I live for fucking 
ever.

"See, you mother's brother was a faggot, Jason."*

Here in the present, I shudder. Nobody's allowed to call me 
that, anymore. He's the only one that did, and only when he 
was "teaching" me something. Other than that, he never even used my 
fucking name.

*"He was a cock-loving homo-fucking-sexual, and he died of 
AIDS yesterday. That's what happens to fags, Jason. God kills them, 
because he hates them. AIDS is a disease for queers and God gives it 
to them because they're freaks. Your fag uncle was one of them, and 
now he's dead."

He turns me to face him, and looks straight in my eyes. He 
reeks of stale alcohol. I still hate that fucking smell.

"Now listen very closely, Jason, because I'm going to tell 
you this once."*

That was a fucking lie if I ever heard one. He told me 
constantly, almost every fucking day, up until the day I moved out. 
I only never heard it again `cause I never spoke to him again. But I 
remember now. This was the first time. An' it's why I'm still 
crying, just as hard.

*"God. Hates. Fags. You spent enough time around that 
cocksmoking uncle of yours for some of it to have rubbed off on you. 
You had better watch your ass, because if you turn out to be a fag, 
God will kill you." His eyes darkened, and he leaned in real 
close, "And if he doesn't...I will."*

*These ribs aren't the only 
Cage around my heart
My consequence, as the fool
Is to stumble through these parts*

So I'm still crying, `cause I've got two voices arguing in my 
head, an' I don't wanna listen to either of `em, `cause I'm not a 
fucking fag, but it felt so good when he touched me. It shouldn't 
have felt that good, an it wasn't just `cause I'd dropped some 
ecstasy neither. It...it made my fucking soul feel good. It only 
happened once, an it was my fault, but it happened. He thinks I 
don't remember, or maybe he don't, I can't tell, I just know that 
lately his eyes are so sad. Whenever he looks at me he's sad an it's 
drivin' me fuckin' crazy. It's why I had ta get outta the house in 
the first place, but when I came home he wasn't there. 

That hits me alluva sudden. When I came home he wasn't 
there. Silent Bob's not home. He was home when I left, did he leave 
me a note? I get up to go see, not really caring that I'm butt-ass 
naked, or maybe I didn't notice, `cause I was too busy getting' all 
kinds of upset when there isn't a note. Not on the fridge, or on the 
table, or on the TV, or even taped to my bong, which he'll do 
sometimes when he hasta' tell me somethin important. 

Well shit, now I'm freaking out, `cause I have absolutely no 
fuckin' idea where the fuck he is, an' my mind is still screamin' 
conflicting ideas at me, `Love...*Queer!*...you love...*I'll fucking 
kill you!*...love him...*c'mere you little shit!*' 

An suddenly everything just stops. My mind shuts up, an I 
feel real calm, like I'm about to fall asleep or somethin'. An then 
I get another thought, but this one's real clear, an I think it's the 
most rational thing I ever heard.

`He left, and he's probably not coming back, because he 
knows. He knows what a faggot you are, and he can't stand it 
anymore. You're alone, he's never coming back. He would have left a 
note if he could stand you, but you disgust him. You're disgusting. 
This shouldn't continue.'

That last part's the clearest, even though it sounds 
different, like it wasn't me that thought it. `This shouldn't 
continue.' It's a refreshing voice of reason. An' so I walk back to 
my room, open up my top drawer, an get out a bottle of somethin'. I 
don't even really know what it is, but I think I remember that it 
gets me nice an' tired an' mindless if I take one. So I go into the 
kitchen an' get a glass of water an' take the whole bottle. Then I 
go back to my room and lie back down, not really even thinkin, just 
kinda staring off. Which brings us to where we started, don't it? 
I'm just lying here, getting kinda tired, an just staring at the 
wall. It's almost like I'm not even in my body, `cause I can't 
really feel anything. Except I got this little twinge of panic, in 
my head anyways, `cause I just heard the front door. All the sudden, 
all my fuckin emotions come back, just like that. I wanna get up an' 
ask the tubby bitch where the fuck he thought he was, but...I'm 
tired. I wanna tell...tell him I'm sorry...but I'm...tired...I 
wanna...tell him...I love him...but...I'm...just......so..........


*Well you're looking at what's left
Of a heart that's been...*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Feeling the evil boiling up inside*
hee hee hee...ha ha ha ha hahahahah.... 
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!
Soak in it for a while! MWA HA HA HA HA HAAA!!! (Dear lord, I'm 
sadistic...^_^)


Oh, by the way, the author (and singer) of that particular song 
should be familiar to Sifl & Olly enthusiasts...Liam Lynch, a.k.a. the 
voice of Olly. The man is a musical genius, I challenge anyone to 
pick up a copy of his album (Eels, available at sifl-n-olly.com in 
case anyone's curious ^_^) and not be awed at his musical ability. 
Go ahead...I dare you!

~*!*~
Mercury(<---basking in the glow of her own evil, torturous 
ending...tee hee hee, I'm so proud of myself! _I'm_ in suspense!)