Title: Sweet Marian
Author: Gypsy
Pairing: Jay/OFC (Jay' unrequited love for Silent Bob)
Rating: R (naughty words)
Archive: If you want it, you can have it. Just tell me where you're gonna put
it first.
E-mail :gypsy_gray@msn.com 
Series/Sequel: This is the first story in a series. I don't have a tile yet.
Help me think of one.
Disclaimers: They're not mine, but I really wish they were. I'm not getting any
money for this. I am however getting tingly when I think about how this si
going to end.
Notes: See the end of the story if you want to be spoiled for the ending of the
series.
Summary: Jay's broken heart getsb him thinking about the past.
Warnings: Angst, UST, Spoilers (for all the movies), A complete disrespect for
canon established in the cartoons or the comics.
________________________________________________________________________________\
____

"Motherfucker! Ass licking jiss ball!! That lousy cocksucking fuck
wad!!!" 

Of course none of those were true. In all the time Jay had known him, which
was since kindergarten, Silent Bob had never fucked anyone's mother. And if
he'd been a cocksucker Jay wouldn't have just busted his hand open punching the
wall of his bedroom. Muttering under his breath about traitors and chubby
bitches with no taste, the blonde shuffled into his bathroom and stuck his hand
in the sink. Turning on the cold, Jay took a deep breath and faced the mirror.

Long blonde hair that needed to be combed, pale and (Thank you God) pimple
free skin, flushed cheeks, swollen lips, from biting them, and tears. His face
was soaked with them. He'd been crying non-stop for nearly half an hour,
self-preservation had forced him past despair and into pissed off when he'd
started getting nauseous. Angry he could handle, it was familiar, but this
terrible lonely emptiness that had been creeping up on him was too much.

It was hard enough living every moment with the person you loved more then
life, it was damn near impossible when you had to hide that love because they
didn't feel the same way. He'd stopped hanging out with Banky because of it.
The haunted look in the other man's eyes whenever Holden was around was beyond
painful, but Holden's blindness to it was more then he was able to tolerate. It
was too familiar, too well known. And when he'd seen the same thing in Banky's
eyes for him...it was one thing to know you completely understood how someone
else felt. It was another for that someone else to know the same thing about
you.

But this, this was new. Living with your beloved when they didn't love you
was bad...this was fucking devastating. The one person he would kill or die
for, the other half of his soul, the reason he bothered to breathe, his
precious, funny, smart, clever, charming, goofy, weird, chain-smoking,
non-talking, coat wearing, perfect, gorgeous Bob...was falling in love. 

Random girls he could handle. Everyone needed to get some every now and
then. Hell, he'd bedded one or two over the years. Pretty, tough, little
numbers he were as eager for a quick thrill as him. No strings, no catches. He
never got involved, and never messed with anyone who was looking for more then
what he could give. He maybe a total fuck up, but no one was ever gonna have to
hurt for him the way he hurt for Bob.

"You pathetic fuck. Your fool."

His reflection didn't respond. He hadn't expected it to. Turning the water
off, he wrapped his hand in a small towel and shuffled to the living room.
Collapsing on the couch was the most physically challenging thing he could
handle. Head back, hand numb, eyes sore, mind...desperate for something else to
think about. 

The girls. Women, actually. Despite his image he was not a sexist asshole.
It was just so much easier to be Jay the stony fuck up. No one got attached to
him, no one really paid attention to him, and no one would ever have feelings
for him. Of course, it didn't always work. There had been three women who
hadn't bought into his bullshit. 

In high school there had Marian. Long dark hair and gold rim glasses hiding
a sweet freckled face and a shy smile. She was the type with smarts. Quiet and
somehow older then everyone around her, she spent lunchtime in the library.
That was where they met. She'd found him hiding in the back. It was the
beginning of the second week in the two month hell of Bob being away at his
Dad's. Divorces suck, co-custody and equal visitation bites, and your best
friend doing half a year at his Mom's and the other half in another city with
his Dad completely blows. Jay was fucking thrilled when, after two months,
Bob's dad decided to fuck off altogether and Bob got to stay with his Mom. Bob
was thrilled too, but for different reasons.

Back then, though. Then he'd seen himself faced with six months worth of
misery. Until Marian. Sweet Marian who caught him reading Byron. He'd panicked
for a second, but she'd just smiled and sat down beside him on the floor. Still
smiling, she pulled a copy of Shelley from her bag. Jay couldn't stop himself
from laughing at the irony. Thus, revealing that he was smart enough to know
what irony was. 

Friendship had come from two months of lunches in the library, and by the
time Bob came back there were rumors that a brain was hanging with a stoner.
Marian had long since clued in to the fact that teachers didn't raze Jay about
his grades or homework, because they didn't need to. Besides Bob, Sweet Marian
was probably the only person on earth who knew that Jay had been an A and B
student.

Bob and Marian got along, and things went that way for awhile. When the
junior prom reared it's malformed head Jay and Marian agreed to go together. He
rented a tux and bought a corsage, and when he picked her up she was wearing a
long dark green dress with thin straps...and no glasses. Sweet Marian was
beautiful. The dance was lame but still kinda fun, and he and Bob had made her
and Bob's date laugh and blush by arguing over who had the prettiest girl. When
he took her home her parents were out. He wasn't surprised when she invited him
in. He was surprised when she led him to her room. 

"I was listening to some girls in the bathroom, one said she couldn't
remember the name of her first guy. The other two couldn't even remember what
he looked like. I want to remember. I want good memories."

The first kiss had been soft and nervous. He'd done his best to please her,
to make the night something she could be happy about when she remembered. They
were young and awkward and all their knowledge was theoretical, but when it was
over she was smiling at him. That was the night she became Sweet Marian.

All through high school they were together. Homecoming, the senior prom,
whenever Bob wanted to double date with whatever girl he was seeing. Whenever
he needed someone to hold, when she needed to be held, they weren't lovers.
They were friends who made love. Both of them understood the difference. When
school ended Marian went to Vasser. They spent their last might making love and
memories, and when she left the next morning they were both smiling...and
crying. 

The friendship didn't stop.They wrote letters, kept on writing when she
graduated, when she got married, when she sent him a picture of her newborn son
Robert Jay. They never lost touch with each other. She was the only person he'd
confessed to when he recognized his feelings for Bob. On the break between her
freshmen and sophomore year she came home, he'd shown up on her doorstep in
tears. No parents again (Thank you God), and to her room again. And she held
him while he sobbed and told her he was scared shitless. She kissed his
forehead and kept holding him. When morning came she made breakfast, and then
made him eat. There was more talking, more crying, and finally smiling. 

She was still his Sweet Marian. Time, distance, and change couldn't undo
that. Last week she'd sent him letter and more pictures. And in this letter she
told him about going to lunch with some female co-workers. Somehow the subject
had turned to men, and then sex, and then everyone was telling about their
first time. Marian wasn't the only one who could give a name and a description,
but she was the only one who was able to smile with remembered joy. 
tbc