Title: Terra Firma: Terra

Author: Luna "Tic" Vee

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Kevin owns all. Kevin owns Jay. Kevin
owns Bob. Kevin owns me. Kevin owns you. Hail Kevin. ...Oh, and
Flea and Ozzie from Chrono Trigger (the costumes of whom Jay &
Bob are wearing respectively) are property of Squaresoft, as are 
Chocobos.

Warnings: In this chapter: Uh, lessee, sharp pointy shiny weapons,
freaky outfits, hair fun, Jay in drag (woo!), Bob drooling over (the 
real
thing and the idea of) Jay in women's lingerie, usual language,
innuendo and petting, but no actual sex this time around.

Archive: Groovy.

Feedback: Druidess@msn.com

Series/Sequel: Second chapter, Terra Firma.

Summary: Jay and Silent Bob hit the bottom of the portal and find
themselves transported to a NEW PLANET! Chaos ensues.
***

Thud. The only sound that could be heard to Jay's ears. The thud of
himself hitting the hard ground below a few inches of grass. The thud
of Bob following suit. Everything was dark, but that might be because
his eyes were closed. It was cool, not cold, not hot, a sort of tepid
feeling to the air, as he lay in the cold grass. He noticed two 
things
while in this state. The first thing he noticed, was that he wasn't
naked anymore. The second thing he noticed, was that his hair was
in a ponytail. He opened his eyes, his vision blurred 
frighteningly. He
shook his head, pulling himself up onto his elbows, eventually into a
sitting position, looked down at himself, and shrieked.

Jay was wearing a metal corset-like breastplate, tailored for a woman
with little to no breasts, it fit Jay pretty nicely, yet somehow gave 
the
illusion of boobs, which disturbed him. Below the breastplate, was a
white skirt, with odd red designs near the bottom. On his feet were a
pair of white boots with the same red designs near the tops of them,
which went to mid-shin. Around his neck, a white cloak was tied, the
collar flipped up, with the same red markings around the top of the
collar and the bottom of the cloak. He wore white gloves with similar
markings as well. His hair, while basically intact, was in a braid
starting from the top of his head and ending at his shoulders. A
sword sat sheathed and attached to his belt. "What the FUCK is this
shit?"

Jay looked around. They were in a dense forest, with small bits of
sunlight filtering through the canopy. It wouldn't've been so 
disturbing
if it weren't for the fact that the trees were blue with purple bark. 
Frazzled, Jay looked to Bob to see if he had awoken yet. He couldn't
help but snicker.

Bob lay there, slowly coming to, dressed in an assortment of white,
priest-like robes, sandals, a crest on the front of his robes. His 
hair
was back in a low ponytail. His eyes slowly opened, and he sat up,
grabbing his head in his hands for a second, then looking around at
his surroundings with a look of wonder and fear on his face. Where
was Jay? Where were they? What had happened? Why was his
hair tied back? How did he get dressed? Why were the trees
purple???

Jay poked Bob on the shoulder, causing him to jump three feet into
the air and scramble out of the way. When he realized it was Jay and
looked him over, his eyebrows shot up nearly off his head. He
grinned and motioned to Jay's garb with a look that just screamed of
a kid in a candy store.

"You know what? Shut the fuck up!" Jay huffed, only managing to
look even more adorable.

Bob got on his knees and made his way over to Jay, wrapping his
arms around the smaller man. He laid several kisses on his neck,
reaching under the skirt...

"BOB!" Jay yelped, slapping Bob's hand away. "Normally I'd be all for
this, but shit man! We dunno where the fuck we are, or if there's
anybody around here for miles, or how the fuck to get back home! 
And you wanna FUCK? What, are you nuts?"

Bob nodded, seeing Jay's side of the argument, following up with a
shrug. "Have you seen yourself?" he asked with a cocked eyebrow. 
Holy shit, did Jay look hot in that little number. He had to get Jay 
in
drag more often, that skirt was driving him nuts. He was already
tenting the white pants he wore under the robes.

"Christ," Jay sighed. Fine, he wanted to play, he was gonna play. 
Why the hell not? Nobody's gonna find them. They're in the middle
of the forest for Christ's sake! Besides, it was pretty kinky... If 
only he
had a rope, there was the perfect tree nearby...

Jay shook his head to clear his thoughts and sighed, "Fine, fine, what
do you want?"

Bob just grinned and took Jay into his arms again, reaching up under
the skirt to feel the flimsy piece of silk that was supposed to pass 
as
panties. Soft... Bob didn't want to free Jay of them. He'd rather 
just
have Jay go down on him wearing only the silken shred of cloth.

Jay meanwhile was letting out lovely little gasping sounds each time
Bob stroked the panties, running his fingers over the only thing
separating them from his cock, running his fingers over his cock. 
"Fuck, Lunchbox, you gonna fuck me, fuck me! Quit with the teasing
shit!"

Bob was too lost in his own world of images of Jay gyrating in flimsy
little skirts and things, petting his boy all the while. "Mm...."

"I fucking hate you," Jay said with a huff.

Claws. Talons. Running across open fields. Klith-ip klith-ip klith-
ip. 
Strong, wide, large talons. Belonging to tall deep blue birds. They
come to a halt at the edge of the forest, and let out a loud, "Kweeh!"

The thud of a rider dismounting, followed by a second, and slowly
crunches on fallen leaves and swatting aside of low branches rustle
through the forest. The klink of armour and the swish of a sword
hacking through branches...

Jay looked up, hearing these sounds, whimpering, "Shit, Bob, we's
gonna have to do this another time! Someone's coming!" he
whispered.

Bob snapped out of his daydream and withdrew his hand from under
Jay's skirt, slowly rising to his feet and pulling Jay with him, his 
arms
still wrapped around the boy protectively.

The sounds drew closer, and eventually a greyish-coloured hand
poked around a tree, followed by an arm, covered in black rosettes,
and a woman attached to it. She had feline ears atop her head, with
black fur on them, and a long, thick, furry tail springing from her
tailbone. Her flesh was greyish white, and black rosettes covered her
body, what could be seen, anyway. Her face was human, her eyes
were sword-blue, and her hair was a dazzling shade of purple, pulled
back into a high ponytail. She wore a shiny metal plate that looked a
bit like a swimsuit, decorated by a crescent-shaped moonstone just
above her breasts, and a white sarong around her hips. A sword sat
at her side, the sheath attached to her plate, the hilt of the sword
beautiful and designed with blue stones and gold weavings, with a
gold, round pommel. Her eyes focused on Jay and Silent Bob, and
she stepped further into the clearing, an eyebrow cocked.

"So? What was it? A meteor?" came a disembodied female voice
from in the trees.

"It's...two creatures," replied the feline woman, quirking her tail
confusedly. "I've never seen anything like them."

"Creatures? Well that helps. Lemme see."

Suddenly, a woman with long, green, wavy hair, deep emerald eyes,
and light, sparkly, spring green skin, literally stepped through the
trunk of a nearby tree. She sparkled everywhere, and wore a deep
green tunic with a brown belt, brown boots, and brown, fingerless
gloves.

"What the shazbot?" she blurted out, bewildered.

"Exactly what I was thinking, Sylvain."

"Cept I had the fritujas to say it."

"Point."

Jay blinked, and raised his hand, "Hey! Hey hey hey! Ladies, can we
get one thing solved at a time? Like, for example...who, or what the
fuck are you?"

The two women turned to stare at Jay.

"Holy mother of Terra! It speaks Gwydian!" yelped the green woman,
or Sylvain, as the cat woman had called her.

"You know, little girl, we were just about to ask you the same thing,"
replied the feline woman in a cool low voice.

"For one, I'm all man, baby! And two, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero
lifema--er..." Bob was glaring at Jay. He needed to quit introducing
him as that. Jay sighed. "My boyfriend Silent Bob. Christ, 
boyfriend,
it sounds like we stay up late on the phone and watch Seventh
fucking Heaven while chewing on cheesefries and go to drive-ins an'
shit."

"Quite a mouth on him, ain't there?" remarked the feline woman,
flicking her tail.

"Wai! Boyfriend? That's so CUTE!" Sylvain's eyes sparkled as she
made a sickeningly cute face.

"Sylvain, honey, don't hurt yourself. Jeez, and usually I'm the hyper
one."

"Oh shaddap. Yer just mad `cause I got to the hakara root before you
did this morning and yer tired."

"You ate the entire ration of it!"

"That's what you get for depending on it instead of going to bed early
and getting a good sleep."

"YOU were the one who insisted that we FUCK like rabbits for two
hours after mid-moon!"

Jay turned to Silent Bob, grinned, and made a gesture indicating
cunnilingus. Bob rolled his eyes.

"I didn't hear you complaining when I ate your pussy. Pussy."

"If I weren't a Unico, that would be so unfunny..."

"Yep, but you are."

The feline woman cleared her throat and stepped forward. "Pardon
Sylvain's actions. Usually she's much calmer and MUCH more nice
to me." She sighed. "Anyway, I'm Liviona. I'm a member of the
species Felidae, race Unico, of the village of Crikk. And this is my
beloved, Sylvain of the Dryads, of Sacrobless Forest."

Jay just blinked. "And where the fuck are we?"

"Uh, Fallosynch Forest," replied Sylvain.

Jay repeated his question, "Where the fuck are we?"

"The kingdom of Faylinn," answered Liviona.

Jay sighed, "Where the fuck are we?"

"What, you mean continent? We're on Jyrah," Sylvain said,
scratching her head.

Jay rolled his eyes, "Listen to me! WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?"

"SPECIFY, YOU LITTLE DICK!" Liviona yelled.

Silent Bob sighed and stepped in front of Jay. "What Jay is trying to
say, in his own way, is: what planet are we on?"

"Oh, that's easy! We're on Terra!" Sylvain supplied with a smile.

"And what are you?" asked Liviona.

"Humans, we're from a planet called Earth." replied Bob with a nod.

Jay just huffed.

"Not as silent as your name suggests, are you sir?" Liviona noted with
a fangy smile.

Bob just shrugged.

Suddenly, the sounds of a dozen or so sets of talons could be heard
coming from the distance, making the birds parked outside the forest
let out a fearful, "Kweeeeh!!"

Liviona tore off through the trees, Sylvain, Jay, and Silent Bob
following close behind, ducking stray branches and the such, as small
animals scattered out of their path.

Upon reaching the edge of the trees, they made a startling discovery. 
Two dozen soldiers on the backs of red birds much like those
belonging to Liviona and Sylvain, were riding towards the forest,
heavily armed, and they didn't look like they were going to stop any
time soon.

"Uh, this is bad, isn't it?" Jay asked, with an audible gulp.

Liviona nodded slowly. "This is very bad. Very bad indeed..."
***