Title: Tinsel
Author: Kelandris the Mad
Fandom: View Askewniverse, general (Mallrats maybe)
Pairing: Jay / Silent Bob
Rating: PG smarm, PG-13 for language
Status: New
Archive: wherever you want, full permission, just lemme know about 
it. No, I don't believe grabbing it from the list requires a note. :>
E-mail address for feedback: kelandris@drakmail.net 
Series/Sequel: Next year maybe?
Disclaimers: All characters belong to Kevin Smith and View 
Askewniverse. If I really get into this, I probably will too. Or at 
least go into hock when I walk into a video store, go into rut, and 
buy all the DVDs at once.
Notes: Ren jumped in first, but I had this vision of Jay in a jingle-
bell hat and...well, from thence cometh the plot bunny.
Summary: Jay and Bob help out in Santa's Village.
Warnings: Kissing, fondling, public embarrassment, GOOFY outfits.

"Tinsel"
by Kelandris


"Man, I hate this shit," said Jay, scratching his back. There was an 
itch there he just couldn't quite reach, and it was driving him 
crazy. Silent Bob shh-ed him warningly, gesturing with a head flip 
at the line of kids moving slowly towards Santa.

Jay sneered, rolling his eyes. "I wanna cigarette. And TS so owes 
us for this one, man. He better come through with the cash after 
this, or I'm gonna ho ho ho all over his flat ass!"

Miserable, he looked out at the crowd, not at all pleased about 
seeing people he knew, snickering at him. Fuck, man, who wouldn't, 
the costumes they were in? Jay wore this clingy little green thing, 
with a little flip skirt, for God's sake, and bright red hose. He 
even had a hat to match--a bright red one, with green trim, and a row 
of brass jingle bells on all the points. His shoes even had bells--
gold to match the gold and red of the pointy little elf shoes--and 
they'd even given him these monster green elf ears which would have 
sent Spock into hysterics. That's where he drew the line--fuck if he 
was gonna be able to land airplanes by shrugging, *thank* you, 
*no*. 'Course, as bad as it was for him, what they'd done to Silent 
Bob...it was criminal.

Bob looked like Santa's least favorite science experiment. They'd 
shoehorned him into an extra Santa jacket, and run over to some 
skanky department store for two pairs of extra-large hose, and the 
girls, giggling, had spray-painted them green. He'd agreed to the 
big ears, as well as an extra plush Santa hat, sitting askew on his 
head. Frankly, he looked like Swamp Thing on a bender through the 
North Pole.

TS had begged them to help out, as he'd come down with laryngitis at 
the last minute. Jay couldn't figure out why it mattered--it wasn't 
like they said anything, just stood there like total freaks and waved 
occasionally, or scowled, in his case. Funny, how well Bob was 
taking all this, waving at the little kids, helping some of the 
nervous ones up to the official Santa's Helpers, the wenches in the 
red and white skirt sets who'd been giggling so hard over Bob.

He couldn't wait until this day was over with. No day more screamed 
out for a bong of the best, and he found himself counting the kids 
still in line. Six, five, four, three, two-finally, the last kid, 
sitting goggle-eyed on Santa's lap, and waiting for the picture, and 
snap! Thank God. They were outta there.

On their way back to Santa's Changing Room, located behind Santa's 
big fat ass in Santa's big chair, Silent Bob goosed him and he 
yelped, looking around quickly.

Bob shrugged, grinning. "Can't help it. You have nice legs."

Jay leaned in, his expression demonic as he advanced on Bob. "Nice 
legs, I'll show you nice legs, you fat bitch..." He cornered him 
next to the huge tree, knocking him into it with a chiming of 
ornaments and a fluttering of tinsel falling on them both. Then he 
leaned in, kissing Bob like he'd wanted to do all day, feeling Bob 
hold him tight, protective as hell. **Damn, boy,** he thought. 
**You are just too hot to be walking around looking like that.** The 
bells on their outfits jangled loudly as their hands wandered, 
lifting what they could, diving under waistbands, stroking down nylon-
covered legs.

Jay heard titters and jumped back, flushing. On the other side of 
the tree, he saw the three Santa girls, giggling in high-pitched 
voices. He coughed, staring at them.

"What? Clutz here fell down, I hadda help him up, what were *you* 
thinking?"

One of the girls pointed to him, touching her nose, and he looked 
down, his eyes crossing. Shaking his head, he pulled the strand of 
tinsel off his nose and stalked into the changing room, ripping off 
bits of tinsel as he went.

"I am sick of this shit," he muttered, slamming the door behind him. 
Over the top of it, he could just make out Silent Bob, sitting in the 
midst of the wreckage of that side of the tree, laughing so hard the 
tree shook like a bowlful of jelly.

END
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