Title: A Year in the Life: April Fools Author: Charles (jcrewguy@gmail.com) Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob Rating: R Summary: April is a month for fools, as Jay and Bob attempt to move on with their lives. But who knows what April showers may bring for May... Disclaimer: Not mine. All hail Smith. Notes: Beta'd by Lek, any idiosyncracies between this month and the previous three are entirely my fault. =============== Jay took a moment before lifting up the next page on the calendar to reveal April's Playmate. He flipped back through to the previous three months and eyed the airbrushed women scornfully. "Bitches," he muttered. On some level, he knew it was silly to blame them for the problems he and Silent Bob had been having, but they were an easy, convenient, albeit sexy target. Then, as he placed April's Playmate up in her place of prominence, he eyed her enhanced beauty with suspicion, as if she was hiding the solution between her thighs. In the living room, Silent Bob tried on his overcoat for the first time in a month, getting the feel of it once more. It wasn't the same now, that much was for certain. He'd changed out some of the more playful toys for ones that were better suited to protecting the two of them. Bob didn't like the idea but understood the change was a necessary evil. One of the last things both Jay and Bob did was to each load up a pocket with a few dime bags. They didn't think they'd make many sales, but as experienced businessmen, both of them knew to be prepared to make one at any time. Jay sauntered into the living room, acting like the Jay of old, the Jay of last year. Silent Bob knew it was an act, understood that it was something Jay had to do, like an actor warming up before going onstage. They nodded at each other and with Jay sticking close to Bob, not close enough to look "gay" but close enough for both of them to feel secure, Silent Bob opened the door and they stepped out into the sunlight. Jay nodded as Silent Bob produced keys from a pocket and locked the various locks on the door. Silent Bob and Jay strode purposefully towards the Quick Stop. It wasn't too far, like the mall. It was just the right distance for a fast trip. There would be no leaning against the wall outside trying to drum up business, however. They were going to get beer, papers, smokes and snack cakes. The essentials. And then home. If they ran into customers, that was great. If not, that was cool too. Jay wasn't too keen on the chance of cracking in front of some snot-nosed highschooler. Dante looked up from his clipboard as Jay and Silent Bob entered the store. "Long time no see," he commented before returning his attention to the clipboard. Bob nodded to Dante. Jay said nothing, still embarassed about the ride Dante had given to him and Bob in February. Both Bob and Jay moved quickly, gathering what they could from the shelves and coolers before heading for the counter for the rest. Silent Bob surprised Dante by being the one to ask for the papers and smokes, which caused Dante to wonder aloud if they were pulling some sort of April Fool's joke on him. Jay and Bob shook their heads at this. While Silent Bob enjoyed their time in the Quick Stop, Jay became antsy when the bell over the door rang and another customer entered. Bob quickly concluded the transaction with Dante and followed Jay out of the store. Their return trip to the apartment was just as uneventful as the trip to the Quick Stop had been. Jay had even begun to talk of returning to the mall and showing some love to the guinea pigs when he suddenly fell silent as they neared their door. Silent Bob looked up from the pack of cigarettes he was trying to open to fiure out why Jay had stopped talking when he saw why. The door to their apartment was knocked off its hinges, the windows shattered and the curtains torn. On the door and the walls of their living room scrawled everywhere in bright red spray paint, "HA HA HA THE JOKE'S ON YOU". The cigarette pack fell from Silent Bob's fingers and Jay dropped the bag he'd been carrying. Bottles of beer shattered and foamed on the concrete. Neither man was sure whether to scream or cry. Bob pulled Jay close and rubbed his back and said "Shhhhhhhhhhh" quietly over and over again until the sound lost all meaning to both of them. Eventually, when Jay was calmer, Silent Bob pulled a credit card from a pocket and showed it to him. It was supposed to be for emergencies and this definitely qualified as one. They checked into the finest motel Red Bank had to offer, signing the guest book as "Banky Edwards" and "Holden McNeil". Aside from one phone call Bob made to their landlord, the phone in the room remained off the hook. As Jay curled up on the bed, Bob ran his fingers through Jay's hair. Silent Bob seriously considered calling the police. It had taken some fast-talking on his part to ensure that their landlord wouldn't. Eventually, Bob decided against it. For now. Jay had been through enough, and the involvement of the police was something that might send him over the edge. Once Jay was asleep, Bob searched for the remote for the TV. Turning it on, he flipped absently through the channels, until he landed on the Home Shopping Caravan. Silent Bob paused to listen to the host's spiel, as she extolled the virtues of a camera that was cunningly concealed in a teddy bear or other cute stuffed animal. Reaching for the phone, Silent Bob found himself dialing and giving his information to the annoyingly chipper operator on the other end. He ordered one of each of the stuffed animals, which gave them coverage for nearly every room. Bob figured they could do without one in the bathroom. After about a week at the motel, they were both sick of living on vending machine snack food and missing the comforts of home. So they checked out of the motel and returned to their apartment. As the two of them headed for the apartment, Jay stuck to Silent Bob as if he was glued to him, looking-like-a-faggot be damned. There was a quick conversation with the landlord, during which Bob was presented with additional keys for the new locks and a large box from the Home Shopping Caravan. Jay eyed the box as Bob lugged it up the stairs. "What, you just had to order all of Joan Rivers's fucking makeup you tubby bitch? That's the last time I ever leave you alone with the TV and that fucking credit card." Silent Bob smiled to himself, pleased to see that a bit of the old Jay was returning at last. Once inside their apartment, which had been cleaned and refurbished, Silent Bob sat Jay down on the couch and explained what was in the box and what the plan was. "The time for being cowards is over. The time for fighting back starts now," Bob concluded. Jay assisted in the placing of the stuffed animals around the apartment and couldn't resist commenting on Bob putting one into Jay's room. "You'd better make sure I get the fuckin' tapes from that unicorn. I don't wanna find you spankin' it to me one night, got it?" Silent Bob rolled his eyes at this and adjusted the unicorn ever so slightly. Now that they had a battle plan, they felt much more secure about trips to the Quick Stop, which became a daily event. "I could almost set my watch by those two," Randal commented to Dante during one of Silent Bob and Jay's visits. As the weeks passed and Easter came and went, along with tax time, they started to feel a little more relaxed. Not so relaxed that they wouldn't leave any of the locks on their door undone while at home or away, but enough to seriously consider a trip to the Eden Prairie again. Jay eyed the calendar, where the thirtieth had been circled. A Saturday, it would be a prime day for a trip to the mall. He drew a black "X" through the twenty-ninth and took a deep breath. Enough was enough, and it was time to stop being afraid. As the thirtieth dawned, they both rose early and went through the checklist Bob had prepared. The stuffed animals were set, they were both primped and primed for selling, and Silent Bob jingled his ring of keys as Jay warmed himself up. At ten o'clock that morning, the two of them left their apartment. Silent Bob locked all the locks as Jay nodded once more and they headed for the bus stop. From the shadows across the street, a figure watched them depart.